Everything Good

Jesus equips me with everything good for doing His will and works in me what is pleasing to Him. 

Jesus equips me with everything good for doing His will and works in me what is pleasing to Him.

Jesus equips me with everything good for doing His will and works in me what is pleasing to Him.

Yeah, I have that on repeat in my mind and my heart. I like to do this thing where I plug myself into Scripture and speak it over myself. I want to receive this truth. I want to be part of the story. I mean, I am part of the story. I'm grafted into it. Cut and pasted, if you will.

I'm cut from my old life, my old ways, my old temperaments and attitudes and whatever else hindered me and kept me in bondage from abundant life. I'm cut from those patterns. I'm cut. I'm pasted by still waters, in a place where thanksgiving and love never cease.

sunset on January 14th, 2013

The last few weeks have been a little bit nuts. I've been trying really really hard to get a hospital job. First in California.

That didn't work because of license shenanigans and how long it takes to acquire such a license. Then I started looking and calling for part-time jobs in Georgia, where I'm moving in just a few days to start the next step. I have an interview on Monday, so prayers please!

Specifically, the last couple of days have been a little rough on my ticker. I'm making some changes, accepting the truth as it is, dropping expectations, and figuring out that I'm still overly sensitive about certain things--so sensitive that when they come up, I very much revert to my old ways.

Not okay.

The other day, I got flame-arrowed straight to the heart. My very identity was questioned, the core of who I am and what I'm worth was challenged. The devil whispered 'your fault, your fault, you are guilty, guilty, unworthy, unloved, irresponsible, lost' and I sat there for days, with this filthy lie circling my head. It made me angry and hurt at people, instead of the enemy. Instead of rebuking it, I simmered in self-pity and guilt-tripped my way to the moon and back.

Not okay.

Let no one ever make you feel unworthy and guilty.

You are free and innocent and good by the precious blood of Jesus.

Let no one make light of the abundant grace and mercy that is yours from the King of Kings, who calls you His child.

I was watching the Bachelor and one of the women had 2 children and was sent home. The guy said he didn't see a long-term connection with her and didn't feel right keeping her on the show and away from her children. As she walked outside and gave a short interview, she said "I wasn't enough for him."

I wanted to give her a hug and tell her how much that's not true.
NOT TRUE.
Just because one person didn't choose her does not mean that her worth is lessened or threatened.
Her worth, and our worth, is defined by the One who created us and saved us.

If only she realized that her Father in heaven was shaking His head about her words, and singing over her about how worthy she is.

God is working in me what is pleasing to Him.
I'm moving forward, stepping into more and more ministry.
I'm fundraising again, opening up yet another channel for the faithful to pour into for His Kingdom. I already have one family donating monthly toward my discipleship and apprenticeship program in Georgia through Adventures in Missions, and I need 5 more families or individuals to make a tax-deductible donation of $50/month for this year.

If you feel led to donate to God's work in me, click here and please let me know!

I ask for you to be in prayer for continued faith, endurance, and provision into this new, exciting season of my life in Georgia.

May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. -Hebrews 13:20-21

Hugs and kisses,

Helena

Ignoring God

I hate being ignored. There's nothing that hurts me more than when somebody I care about does not respond to me, even more if I know they're purposefully ignoring me.

Yet, here I am.
Fresh from an 11-month, international mission trip.
Fully-aware of God's power and love.
Provided for.
Accepted to seminary.

And ignoring the Most High King.
Tuning Him out.
Not wanting to pray, or praise, or read His Word, or go to church, or fellowship.

Feeling anxious.
Choosing to fret over NOTHING.
Choosing to put aside everything I just learned and deprive myself of the joy He gives me.

I became angry with myself, easily swayed by circumstances, feeling like everything is out of order and I just don't fit.

I am standing on the edge, and I have a choice to make.
Every second of the day, I have a choice.

Am I going to make decisions that I will regret? Am I going to continue in this childish behavior, in a sea of self-pity and lies and confusion? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and do this over again? Am I content with the choices I made today?

No.

Not just marking a new year, a new month, a new day, but tomorrow I will make the choice to stop this ridiculousness.

I have not peaked in my faith.
I have NOT done enough.
I have not lived every adventure I'm going to experience.
I have not had enough of God's presence.
I don't know His word enough.
I am not okay on my own.
I am not independent from the One who sustains me.
I am not angry at Him. How could I be?
I am not indifferent or apathetic.
I am not unwilling, or tired, or lazy.
I am not unable, or ill-equipped.
I am not forsaken or forgotten or punished.
I am not awkward in social situations.
I am not going to run out of money.
I am not lacking anything.
I did not make a mistake by going on the trip.
I did not make a mistake by trusting in people that I love, regardless of the outcome.
I am not blamed or a poor influence.
My words are not discouraging, they are God's words in people's times of need.
He has not given me visions, dreams, and this passion for nothing.
He has not chosen me for nothing.
I am not waiting for nothing.
I am waiting for God, who is FAITHFUL and WORTHY and GOOD.

His timing is GOOD. It's okay that I don't know certain things. I know enough, no more and no less than exactly what I need to know at this moment. And if only I listened, maybe I'd know even more.

Wow I'm sorry.

I know better.
Even those who usually are the discouraging, 'realistic' people have said that surely I'll be okay. That surely everything will line up. They have seen God's favor in my life so many times that they don't even doubt it.

It's a test of faith, and my Father loves me with a patient love.
I am incredibly blessed.
I am blessed when He gives and when He takes away.
But oh, how He gives.
There is more to be had, and I want it.




Tomorrow will be different.
It will be a fresh day.
It will be a day of seeking and listening and praising, with thanksgiving.


Oh, and it'll be 2013. Happy New Year. :)

Chosen, Wanted, ACCEPTED, Etc...

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

I WAS ACCEPTED TO SEMINARY!!! WOO HOO!!! MASTERS IN MARITAL AND FAMILY THERAPY!!! HURRAY!!!

So I'm moving to California!

I've been praying about this for 7 months.
I've been waiting for this acceptance for 3 months.
If you think I have enough exclamation points, you are wrong! I probably blew the admissions lady's ear drum. Looking back, "WOOOOOO!!!!!" is probably not the most professional response to "Congratulations, you are accepted!"
Don't care. Not sorry. I was so excited and still am.

I am one step closer to Phylla House and my door of hope :)

Lots has taken place since that happy phone call, many things that made me feel not so 'accepted' ironically. I didn't blog about any of it here. Just trust me that my heart did a belly flop in the pool of love, but it was worth it. I learned so much. God has very specific plans, and He is holding me by the hand, shutting every door I try to bust through and redirecting me toward all the things He has ALREADY told me to do, the beautiful things He has planned for me, the lovely gifts awaiting me.

He is jealous for me. He is protective of me. I'm valuable in His eyes! He refuses to let my foot step off the path. Not even one step. That's what I've been praying for... the right doors to open, the wrong ones to close. I shouldn't be surprised when they do close, nor should I be angry. I relate to Jonah all the time. I feel stubborn towards the Lord, as if I have any right! I thought about Jonah a lot today. I realized that God didn't give Jonah the vine and then take it away to make Jonah angry. God loved Jonah. He was protective over him. He had a specific task for him and chose him. It was an example of a bigger picture. 'I do what I want. I am God. I am in control.' I choose to look at my 'vine' the same way. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. I didn't make it happen. God's will brought it and took it away, to show me a bigger picture of God's compassion and sovereignty.
God doesn't have to explain to me why He did what He did in my life. But He did. Today He did. As I cried in my car, I envisioned Him holding me in His arms. He told me to read 2 Kings 4. So I read it and cried some more. He said 'keep pouring' and that I shouldn't feel like He got my hopes raised for no reason. There is a lesson. He is a God of abundance. He's about to provide yet again.

I'm pressing forward.

I was praying about Guatemala (from Feb-July 2013), and turns out that door closed. God has somewhere else where He must need me, as it is not in Guatemala. I am now praying about going on and moving to Cali already. But I need that thing, ya know, a job.

Pray I get a job!!!

Love yall and welcome back to this blog.
I'll be writing here only from now on!

Helena