Wide Awake

I've been wide awake since 6:30 this morning. I feel like I've been wrestling with some huge issues and I'm not getting any particular answers.
Besides this dreadful feeling that I've been dropping the ball and going with the flow...
Here's a recipe for disaster:

1) I haven't been keeping up with my Bible. Haven't read it in quite a few days, haven't carried it, and I'm not sure why. That's going to change, effective immediately.

2) I missed church. Yes. I could have gone. I had the day off. I'm still upset with myself for being THAT lazy. I got anxious yet again, mostly about going by myself. I know better than that. I've walked through fire by myself, with God holding my hand. I can walk into a gym alone and go listen and worship. Come on now.

3) I've had a repeating thought.... and this is never good to ignore. I've been ignoring a repeating thought. I know it's not from me. You ready to hear it? .... "Quem não ajuda, atrapalha" .. meaning ... if someone's not helping, they're hindering. Talk about an uncomfortable thought.

4) I have had a case of what I'd call "birthday vulnerability".... I couldn't even go to bed the day before. 24 let me down. I had all these high expectations and plans for 24.. and what does 24 do? It feels just like 23. and 22. 24 has failed to meet any and all expectations, except for a better job. 24 comes with a much better job. Good thing, since I value career and money so highly on my list of things I desire in life. I should be thankful and not sarcastic.

5) I need to stop comparing myself with my friends who have families. Apparently I'm a career woman, a feminist's dream. *sigh* I can go and conquer the world! I can travel and go as I please. I can stay out late (I don't like to) I can go anywhere (I love staying home) I can travel the world (who wants to go alone?) I can do all kinds of things, when in reality I enjoy being home, watching sports, watching movies, going out to dinner or coffee, running, reading, cooking, and overall being a really fun version of... boring? I don't like to watch R rated movies, I don't like to drink (although I'll have a coors lite if I feel like it, or a glass of red wine), I literally feel uncomfortable at bars/clubs (yes, this is a new development...) I can handle going out to dance, or a concert... but to literally have drinking as the center activity, I don't like it. Who knew.. I'd have fit in so well during the prohibition.

6) Having become a young, 24-year old version of a grandmother... feels weird. I know people accept me just as I am, but I still feel like some kind of legalistic, fun-hating party pooper.  Is it possible to literally not enjoy what other young people do for fun? Now I can sympathize with the people who don't like chocolate.

7) I need to march to the beat of my own drum. It needs to beat in time with God's drum, but you know what I mean. I need to do what I need to do, which is what will be best for me. Going to bed early, eating right, exercising right, keeping up with my chores at home, visiting my friends, spending quality time with my family. If I don't do those things, no one will do them for me. I would suffer. As a 24-year-old, that would be foolish. I'm tired of feeling foolish.

So with Easter tomorrow, I too, will rise. I'm gonna rise up to my own expectations. I'm gonna rise up to praise God with my life and try to be more joyful and less critical of what it is that He's given me right now.
I'm a new creation, I'm ever-changing, hopefully refining my character as a woman worthy of respect, carrying myself with dignity and honor for the glory of God. I guess that's an aspiration I share with few, but to those that see eye to eye with me, high five.

You're the run in the rain

You’re the run in the rain, the wind on my face, the smile through the pain when I finish the race.
You’re the smell of cut grass, Texas heat I can see, my speed as I pass those in front of me.
You’re the icy-cold splash I pour on my head, the best rest when I crash at home on my bed.
You’re that perfect cool breeze that tingles my skin, 67 degrees, the best shape I’ve been in.
You’re the warmth at the start of a cold morning run. You’re my favorite part when it’s all said and done.
You’re the downhill, the blue sky, the sprint, the sunset, the reason I try, the memories I won’t forget.
You’re showing me joy in the littlest things. I’m blessed to keep going with the strength Your love brings.
I pray my heart sees You in all that I do or I’d be missing the point, God it’s all about You.

Staycation

Blog slacker!!

Slide down the hallway in your socks

6 days til my epic staycation!!

It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve had a week off, worry free! Yes, an ENTIRE week, God-willing a healthy, enjoying the sunshine, no errand-running , chillaxing, day-tripping, staycation.

I welcome any friends that would like to visit me for once, but I’m just going to say now that I will NOT be driving 2-3 hours to visit yall.  I’m always the one that journeys north and sees everybody any chance I get and it always ends up being brief because I only get a couple of days to hang out. I would be tempted to spend my entire week visiting people and have to pack and get home to a sad cat and an angry hurricane in my closet. For once, I’m staying!

So come one and all, bring your sleeping bags. I’ll cook your favorite meal and you can join me in ultimate chill activities, including but not limited to: movies, cartoons, impromptu cereal consumption, picnics, frisbee tossing, sprints at the track (to ease ex-athletics nostalgia), dance parties, pool lounging, boot-wearing excursions, and maybe even getting my amazing stepdad to get the boat on the lake. Oh the possibilities.

The temptation is there to hop on a cruise ship and disappear to Mexico, but I’m going to be frugal and save my money toward my recently-shot Brazil fund, rest in peace. Cause of death: murderous taxes. Give to Caesar what is Caesar’s right? Take all my money, government. It’s not my money anyway  =) Can’t take it with me where I’m going.

I’m so thankful that I got my health back, got rid of my viruses (Gurgy and Gary… yes they were named, just like hurricanes) and I’m able to look forward to my birthday and last week of work at Scott & White, and this incredible weekend that will follow, full of Austin/Old friends/Running/New friends/Country Music/Church… ahhhh I’m so excited!

Imperfect

So you only hear all about how nice and funny things happen in my life...
Well, let's be fair and well-rounded and have a spill session.

• I'm impatient
• Stubborn
• I overthink
• I beat myself up, I'm my own worst critic
• I'm a perfectionist
• I procrastinate, even silly tasks, sometimes I just put them off for some odd reason
• I hate hate laundry. My closet is currently quite messy.
• I am up really late right now, I just can't sleep
• I must be OCD because if things aren't where I like them, it bugs me.
• I woke up late this morning, out of sheer laziness. I skipped 4 alarms, missed the last one. 
• I feel like I care too much about people and it isn't returned, not in the same way
• The above statement is referring to most of my friendships as well...
• I'm absolutely anxious (in a bad way) about turning 24. 
• I'm also anxious about who will and who will not acknowledge my birthday. I have certain expectations about who I hope would care. This makes me uneasy. It's kind of a big test.
• I absolutely hate surprises. I like to know that somebody cares ahead of time. To think it would slip by, not special, all the way until a surprise is revealed is terrible! "I don't care, I don't care.. surprise! I care!" ummm
• I just straight-up feel foolish sometimes
• I hate being late, yet it seems to happen more often than I can help it (goes along with the fact that about 50% of my plans don't go through... frustrating)
• I hope I never put up a front of somebody who has it all figured out. I have empty picture frames. There's a lot in my life that is not put together. I wish I had a clue about what's going on in my life but it's so full of false starts and dead ends... frankly I have no idea. I can only hope someday it all comes through.
• Never in a hopeless way, but sometimes I cry. Sin hurts. I hate it when I know better.
• I wish I had my best friend, somebody to share my life with. I don't like to be single. I'm single. I accept it, but I do not like it.
• I have a need to take care of people. If I don't have somebody to take care of, I feel kind of lost.
• I push my stubbornness into making excuses for people. I literally kid myself. "nah they're busy" "nah they're tired" "nah, they must be away from their phone" and push away the thought that maybe, just maybe they don't care. Only to come to find that... about 80% of the time they don't care.
• I hate to feel ignored. It's the sting of rejection. Sometimes I wish people would just burn the bridge already, cut the suspense.
• I want to buy a house but I don't feel like I should buy a house because I'm single and I fear that as soon as I bought the house I would regret the decision.
• I thought by this age my life would be different. God is dealing with this matter in my heart.
• I feel like most of the time, I am willing to do a lot more for people than they would for me. The golden rule upsets me.
• Sometimes I wish I could be the guy and chase and pursue. I'd be awesome at it. But I have to do the one thing I'm not so good at. Wait. When I'm busy it's all great, but sometimes it catches up to me.
• I mess up a lot. God sees my heart and my intentions. A lot of the time I mean well but gosh I am so in need of grace. I pray nobody ever thinks I'm projecting only my good side. I'm so imperfect.

Just wanted to put that out there. Y'all pray for me.  I'm seeking God with my heart, and I'm doing alright. He's providing for me and I do feel peace and trust that He's working on me and making things happen for my overall good. Thank God for the cross, that Christ has forgiven me and loved me just as I am, despite all my imperfections. He can do the same for you if you open your heart.
God bless y'all.

April Fools 2 Weeks Notice

So I found out the hard way that any day of the year is okay to give serious notifications to your boss EXCEPT for April 1st which is April Fools Day.

I gripped my phone tightly and paced up and down the hospital hallway as I received the details of my new job... starting date, final salary offer, and the blessed green lights to give my two weeks notice. I texted a wonderful friend and asked for prayers. I was nervous!

This being my very first "big girl" job with a big paycheck, you can imagine I was extremely apprehensive about telling them I'm going to be parking my car a little further down the road (literally) for work.

I sat down at my computer, googled "2 weeks notice letter samples" and composed the most sincere, unoriginal letter of my life. Short and to the point, using none of my own words. Nonetheless, it would do.
I printed it, and crumpled it, realizing I had 2 different fonts... fixed it. Re-printed. Plagiarized letter folded in thirds (sans envelope) in hand, I marched my little way to the boss's office.

I lean on the doorframe...
H: Hey do you have a minute? It's important.
Boss: *smiles* sure!
H: Can we close the door?
Boss: is this a prank?!
H: No ma'am this is very serious.
Boss: *smiling* oh come on!!
H: *smiling* no I mean it! It's serious! I'm putting in my 2 weeks notice!
Boss: No way! I don't believe you!! *opens letter* Nah! I don't believe it!

*sigh*
So I finally convinced her that I was really leaving. How awkward. Funniest serious experience of my life.

My advice: no big news on April Fools. You will NOT, I repeat, will NOT be taken seriously.
Priceless. Hilarious. Yes.