I've been wide awake since 6:30 this morning. I feel like I've been wrestling with some huge issues and I'm not getting any particular answers.
Besides this dreadful feeling that I've been dropping the ball and going with the flow...
Here's a recipe for disaster:
1) I haven't been keeping up with my Bible. Haven't read it in quite a few days, haven't carried it, and I'm not sure why. That's going to change, effective immediately.
2) I missed church. Yes. I could have gone. I had the day off. I'm still upset with myself for being THAT lazy. I got anxious yet again, mostly about going by myself. I know better than that. I've walked through fire by myself, with God holding my hand. I can walk into a gym alone and go listen and worship. Come on now.
3) I've had a repeating thought.... and this is never good to ignore. I've been ignoring a repeating thought. I know it's not from me. You ready to hear it? .... "Quem não ajuda, atrapalha" .. meaning ... if someone's not helping, they're hindering. Talk about an uncomfortable thought.
4) I have had a case of what I'd call "birthday vulnerability".... I couldn't even go to bed the day before. 24 let me down. I had all these high expectations and plans for 24.. and what does 24 do? It feels just like 23. and 22. 24 has failed to meet any and all expectations, except for a better job. 24 comes with a much better job. Good thing, since I value career and money so highly on my list of things I desire in life. I should be thankful and not sarcastic.
5) I need to stop comparing myself with my friends who have families. Apparently I'm a career woman, a feminist's dream. *sigh* I can go and conquer the world! I can travel and go as I please. I can stay out late (I don't like to) I can go anywhere (I love staying home) I can travel the world (who wants to go alone?) I can do all kinds of things, when in reality I enjoy being home, watching sports, watching movies, going out to dinner or coffee, running, reading, cooking, and overall being a really fun version of... boring? I don't like to watch R rated movies, I don't like to drink (although I'll have a coors lite if I feel like it, or a glass of red wine), I literally feel uncomfortable at bars/clubs (yes, this is a new development...) I can handle going out to dance, or a concert... but to literally have drinking as the center activity, I don't like it. Who knew.. I'd have fit in so well during the prohibition.
6) Having become a young, 24-year old version of a grandmother... feels weird. I know people accept me just as I am, but I still feel like some kind of legalistic, fun-hating party pooper. Is it possible to literally not enjoy what other young people do for fun? Now I can sympathize with the people who don't like chocolate.
7) I need to march to the beat of my own drum. It needs to beat in time with God's drum, but you know what I mean. I need to do what I need to do, which is what will be best for me. Going to bed early, eating right, exercising right, keeping up with my chores at home, visiting my friends, spending quality time with my family. If I don't do those things, no one will do them for me. I would suffer. As a 24-year-old, that would be foolish. I'm tired of feeling foolish.
So with Easter tomorrow, I too, will rise. I'm gonna rise up to my own expectations. I'm gonna rise up to praise God with my life and try to be more joyful and less critical of what it is that He's given me right now.
I'm a new creation, I'm ever-changing, hopefully refining my character as a woman worthy of respect, carrying myself with dignity and honor for the glory of God. I guess that's an aspiration I share with few, but to those that see eye to eye with me, high five.
Hey chica - for what it's worth, it's not so bad being a 24-year-old grandma ;) I feel like that a lot too, because I am also a creature of habit and don't enjoy partying or staying up late or anything else real "crazy" like that. Tim and I stay home a lot when we have free time and just hang out. There's a lot to be said for the wisdom to know when you need to decompress from the day and just take the time you need to recharge.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it's ok to not like drinking in excess, in fact that's a good thing :) Having a beer or glass of wine once in a while isn't being legalistic - saying that consuming any teensy bit of alcohol at all is where it becomes legalistic... and it doesn't seem you're being that way.
Finally, I remember what it was like being single and comparing myself to my engaged/married friends and envying them. I always thought it would be so much better and greater once I was married. Now, don't get me wrong at all -I Love my husband and I love being married; however, now I find myself envying our friends who are having babies. The grass is always greener on the other side and no matter where you are in life there is a potential to envy the "other side" - whatever that might be. I also need to pray for contentment and remember that God's plan for me, and for my family, is going to be different from everyone else's.
Ok sorry that was such a long comment. :-p Know that you're in my prayers and you're not alone. :) See you tomorrow!
We should have granny time together, Becca! :) Let's hang out some before you leave! I'm gonna miss you a lot. Thank you for your encouraging and wise words :) I agree that the grass always seems greener on the other side. I'm trying to focus on being thankful (example: i was praying for a new job and God granted me the opportunity, and now i'm trying to thank Him, not focus on the next thing on the list... make sense?) I'll see you tonight!
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