Diets That Work

From personal experience (limited) these diets work.

*if you're easily offended, please know this is a joke*

The Ben/Jer (aka Binger) Diet - eat yourself sick with whatever food is your weakness until you cannot possibly imagine eating it again in your lifetime. You will stop craving it.

The Virus Diet - get a stomach virus. Food will make you throw up.

The Hangover Diet - drink a lot. The mere thought of food will make you throw up.

The Fatkins Diet- hang out with people who eat a lot of fat, aka your fat kins. They will inspire you to do the opposite.

One Meal a Day Diet - eat the same thing all day long, like yogurt for example. Try to pick bland foods that initially taste great but aren't meant to be had in large quantities.

The Seefood Diet - hang out at a fast food restaurant and watch people eat all day. Hunger goes right out the window.

The Hydro Diet - drink a full bottle of water before you eat anything. Then eat, knowing you will have to drink another full bottle of water after you finish. You've never felt full if you haven't tried this.

The Big Poo Diet - just take a really really huge #2. Instantaneous results.

The Burned Tongue Diet - yes. Burn your tongue. Everything will taste like rubber, so it doesn't matter what it tastes like. Eat that celery!

The Mouth Beach Diet - this one only works in excruciating summer conditions. Whenever you eat, eat in the heat. Everything melts, you can't have that much hot food... eating in the heat is just horrible, so you won't do much of it.

The Denial Diet - eat foods that are good for you and tell yourself you really really enjoy them. This also works when you're choosing your portion. Tell yourself "oh wow that's way more than I can eat" and "oh I'm full" until you start to believe you are.

The Slow Motion Diet - eat so so slowly that you don't have enough time to eat much. You literally don't have time for this.

Over-the-counter Diet - count how many times you chew things. Try to chew every bite 57 times. You'll get so freaking tired of counting you won't be hungry anymore. Also, your jaw will start hurting.

The Gym Diet - bring your meals to the gym and eat them in front of everybody while they're working out. It'll be SOOO embarrassing. 

The Facebook Diet - post a status update of every single thing you eat, as you eat it. It'll make you want to eat less so you don't have to tell everybody. Adding a hashtag with your current weight is optional. You may lose friends over this.

The Wait Weight Diet - when you're about to snack or eat anything, wait an hour before you eat. You'll appreciate it more. Plus, think how many hours a week you'll spend only THINKING about food, instead of actually eating it? Fantastic.

That oughta be enough to get anybody started.