Competition?

I have a love/hate relationship with competition.
I was raised in a sports family. The men are all incredible athletes, my grandmother is a diehard watcher of sports. She keeps up with EVERYTHING during the Olympics haha every Brazilian medal!
My grandfather, who was my father figure growing up, was an amazing soccer player and coach.
My other grandfather (biological) was a great athlete as well. My dad was an athlete.
So go figure that I take on challenges with a "bring it" attitude... My confidence is ridiculous. I've done 2 marathons, and my finishing time was exactly that. a FINISHING time. Competitively, horrible time. But it's 26.2 miles. At some point, your brain says "YOU WILL DIE" and you just put one foot in front of the other, time becomes the last concern. Watching sports... oh gosh. If it's MY TEAM I go nuts. My poor cat is terrified. He hid behind the Christmas tree during tonight's game. Go Mavericks ;)

But to stay on point, I was raised around competition. It isn't something that my family tried to shelter me from. Academically, I competed like nobody's business. In elementary school I had medals from math olympics. I'd beat the entire grade for it. I won it 3 of 4 years. That second grade loss was catastrophic. The kid who won got BOTH the math and language medals. BUT I was also a swimmer. I got swimming medals and somehow in my 8 year old head, knowing that kid probably couldn't swim made it okay.
High school was a beautiful nightmare in the competition arena. I did everything. I lettered in sports and I have medals in various events, from science to band to calculators to powerlifting. You name it. I was used to placing. NOT WINNING. placing. I won a couple of things, but silver seemed to be a common theme.
The second best. Next best. Almost.
During college I rebelled against most of that. I didn't time my runs. I didn't freak out when I made a B... or a C (depending on the class) and I stopped trying to win things. Keyword trying. I still got out with an honors diploma and the bells and whistles, but something inside me changed.
I no longer felt that need to compete. I didn't see how it would prove anything, really, if I won or not.
Now that I do races again, I push myself, but it's for self-improvement and time goals. It's not about running faster than the sweet lady in front of me. It's not about my worth being dependent on how well I do.

I like to look back and say "I finished. I finished as strong as I could" and let that be that. I ran hard. That's really the best I can offer. I'm so tired of competing. A proud, confident, borderline arrogant part of me thrives on it. But the realistic, anti-me part says "it doesn't matter how you stack up against other people. it's a one-Man show." In relationships, I could sit there and tear someone else to shreds. I could say "well she's not this and she's not that, and I can do this and I've always done this...." and go on for days. DAYS. I can tear someone apart with words. I find weakness. I have the potential to be a terribly mean person, and I have been before! God help me to not be that person again. To realize my worth is only dependent on the cross. And that if anybody wants to compete with me, I refuse. I won't play games for attention. I won't pry and push and shove. There's only a true winner if every strong contender plays the game. Well. I choose to not compete. I hope to God that my pride won't get in the way. I pray that I hold tight to my worth in God's eyes. That looks don't matter. That no matter how pushy, convenient, available, and um easy someone can be, that it won't affect ME, who I am, what I can offer, and that God is the strength of my heart and my portion. I am tired of compromising because of the urge to compete. I'm tired of the anxiety. I want to love others, not see them as enemies. I want to look at other women and think "God loves her just as much as He loves me. Christ died for her the same way He died for me. Grace washes over her in the same, undeserving way that it washes over me." and move on.

From scripture, God secures victories. He fights for His people. He delivers them from death. He ensures their inheritance is delightful. If God is with me, who can be against me?! If God wills me to have something, nothing and no one can stand in the way. I need not compromise my purity, my heart, and my peace, worrying that I won't be enough. Through Christ's perfection and righteousness I have been made perfect and righteous in the sight of God. I need to keep repeating that to myself until it sinks in. God will fight for me, I need only to be still and wait for my certain victory.