Must be easy...

Must be easy to be a flake. People don't expect anything out of them. They slide by with no expectations.
Sometimes it feels like if I weren't here, the world would fall apart. I'm sure that's not what would really happen, but I am the one people depend on. Being that person is okay, I'm alright with it, but oh my gosh the few times when I actually need help and feel overwhelmed there is no one. I have to make such a fuss to get one tiny sliver of a compromise. My family is amazing, don't get me wrong. I'd do anything for them. But when I do "anything" maybe I get exhausted and I need a break. Today it feels like I just can't catch a break. I have to turn into sourpuss drill sargent to be heard. I got to a cracking point and thankfully and unfortunately my brother was the receiving end. I'm sure guilt will flood me later on in the day. It's like put more weight on my shoulders, go ahead, apparently I can handle it. But today I haven't had my coffee. And I'm running on 3 hours of sleep. Today is not the best day to make me logistics coordinator. My phone is off for all intents and purposes. Yall figure out it without me for once. When nobody answers the phone but me, you're gonna run into some trouble. I'm gonna be over here at work. Trying to block out of my mind what all is about to go on today. My apartment is not up to my standards. My hair is up in a terrible updo and I have not the slightest hint of any makeup on. I'm terribly nervous, uncomfortable, and anxious. And I officially don't care. My brows are furrowed beyond recognition. Here's proof that I am not ALWAYS in a good mood. Once in a blue moon. I wish I had a helper. I pray about it a lot. Somebody to steady me and help share the burden when it gets so heavy. I trust God to help me but I'm talking about a real-life scheduling crazy life event that I need a human being to help me. He hears my prayers, He'll answer when it's time. Til then He'll carry me on days like today when I feel like collapsing and yet I find enough strength to power through. I love you O Lord my strength.