Ignoring God

I hate being ignored. There's nothing that hurts me more than when somebody I care about does not respond to me, even more if I know they're purposefully ignoring me.

Yet, here I am.
Fresh from an 11-month, international mission trip.
Fully-aware of God's power and love.
Provided for.
Accepted to seminary.

And ignoring the Most High King.
Tuning Him out.
Not wanting to pray, or praise, or read His Word, or go to church, or fellowship.

Feeling anxious.
Choosing to fret over NOTHING.
Choosing to put aside everything I just learned and deprive myself of the joy He gives me.

I became angry with myself, easily swayed by circumstances, feeling like everything is out of order and I just don't fit.

I am standing on the edge, and I have a choice to make.
Every second of the day, I have a choice.

Am I going to make decisions that I will regret? Am I going to continue in this childish behavior, in a sea of self-pity and lies and confusion? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and do this over again? Am I content with the choices I made today?

No.

Not just marking a new year, a new month, a new day, but tomorrow I will make the choice to stop this ridiculousness.

I have not peaked in my faith.
I have NOT done enough.
I have not lived every adventure I'm going to experience.
I have not had enough of God's presence.
I don't know His word enough.
I am not okay on my own.
I am not independent from the One who sustains me.
I am not angry at Him. How could I be?
I am not indifferent or apathetic.
I am not unwilling, or tired, or lazy.
I am not unable, or ill-equipped.
I am not forsaken or forgotten or punished.
I am not awkward in social situations.
I am not going to run out of money.
I am not lacking anything.
I did not make a mistake by going on the trip.
I did not make a mistake by trusting in people that I love, regardless of the outcome.
I am not blamed or a poor influence.
My words are not discouraging, they are God's words in people's times of need.
He has not given me visions, dreams, and this passion for nothing.
He has not chosen me for nothing.
I am not waiting for nothing.
I am waiting for God, who is FAITHFUL and WORTHY and GOOD.

His timing is GOOD. It's okay that I don't know certain things. I know enough, no more and no less than exactly what I need to know at this moment. And if only I listened, maybe I'd know even more.

Wow I'm sorry.

I know better.
Even those who usually are the discouraging, 'realistic' people have said that surely I'll be okay. That surely everything will line up. They have seen God's favor in my life so many times that they don't even doubt it.

It's a test of faith, and my Father loves me with a patient love.
I am incredibly blessed.
I am blessed when He gives and when He takes away.
But oh, how He gives.
There is more to be had, and I want it.




Tomorrow will be different.
It will be a fresh day.
It will be a day of seeking and listening and praising, with thanksgiving.


Oh, and it'll be 2013. Happy New Year. :)

Chosen, Wanted, ACCEPTED, Etc...

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

I WAS ACCEPTED TO SEMINARY!!! WOO HOO!!! MASTERS IN MARITAL AND FAMILY THERAPY!!! HURRAY!!!

So I'm moving to California!

I've been praying about this for 7 months.
I've been waiting for this acceptance for 3 months.
If you think I have enough exclamation points, you are wrong! I probably blew the admissions lady's ear drum. Looking back, "WOOOOOO!!!!!" is probably not the most professional response to "Congratulations, you are accepted!"
Don't care. Not sorry. I was so excited and still am.

I am one step closer to Phylla House and my door of hope :)

Lots has taken place since that happy phone call, many things that made me feel not so 'accepted' ironically. I didn't blog about any of it here. Just trust me that my heart did a belly flop in the pool of love, but it was worth it. I learned so much. God has very specific plans, and He is holding me by the hand, shutting every door I try to bust through and redirecting me toward all the things He has ALREADY told me to do, the beautiful things He has planned for me, the lovely gifts awaiting me.

He is jealous for me. He is protective of me. I'm valuable in His eyes! He refuses to let my foot step off the path. Not even one step. That's what I've been praying for... the right doors to open, the wrong ones to close. I shouldn't be surprised when they do close, nor should I be angry. I relate to Jonah all the time. I feel stubborn towards the Lord, as if I have any right! I thought about Jonah a lot today. I realized that God didn't give Jonah the vine and then take it away to make Jonah angry. God loved Jonah. He was protective over him. He had a specific task for him and chose him. It was an example of a bigger picture. 'I do what I want. I am God. I am in control.' I choose to look at my 'vine' the same way. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. I didn't make it happen. God's will brought it and took it away, to show me a bigger picture of God's compassion and sovereignty.
God doesn't have to explain to me why He did what He did in my life. But He did. Today He did. As I cried in my car, I envisioned Him holding me in His arms. He told me to read 2 Kings 4. So I read it and cried some more. He said 'keep pouring' and that I shouldn't feel like He got my hopes raised for no reason. There is a lesson. He is a God of abundance. He's about to provide yet again.

I'm pressing forward.

I was praying about Guatemala (from Feb-July 2013), and turns out that door closed. God has somewhere else where He must need me, as it is not in Guatemala. I am now praying about going on and moving to Cali already. But I need that thing, ya know, a job.

Pray I get a job!!!

Love yall and welcome back to this blog.
I'll be writing here only from now on!

Helena

James Flashback

Here's a blog I wrote back in October, and it somehow got missed... it's never too late :)

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Today I read the book of James.

I’ve read James a gazillion times (rounding down) and yet things still hit me that I feel like I’ve never noticed before. 

James is addressing the 12 tribes, the name of Jesus is only mentioned one time in verse 1, and it’s written to exhort believers. A lot of people love this book because they go “oh dang, yeah, I’m so busted, I feel so convicted” and that’s the exact point. It hits a lot of hot-topic struggles believers have. 

Starts off with a biggie “consider it PURE JOY when you face trials of many kinds”… whoa James, hang on, you didn’t even warm up, going straight to how I view and handle trials? 

Then going to “don’t doubt when you pray”? Shoot. How do you know me?

Then the reversal of values, how the world views money/status versus how God sees it… then not to blame God or anybody else but myself and my evil desires when I’m being tempted… 

Then my tendency to forget that GOD is the source of everything good and perfect, not somebody else or money or myself or a job or the world. 

Gosh I’m not even through the first chapter and I had to take a minute. 

Plunging back into ‘be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry’… busted busted… okay I don’t get angry that fast… unless it’s month 10 on the race and I’m hungry, sweaty, and exhausted, then maybe I’m easily irritable. Ugh. 

Being a doer of the word, not merely hearing it.

Favoritism.

Truly loving my neighbor.

Letting my actions reflect my faith.

Taming my tongue.

True wisdom.

Wrong motives in prayer.

The choice between God and the world.

Submission and humility to God.

Bragging.

Hoarding of wealth.

Patience in suffering.

Being a person who keeps my word.

Praying effectively and powerfully.

Reconciliation and confrontation of believers who have strayed.

GOOD LORD, that’s a lot to take in from 5 short chapters. I thought about what I could do differently when I get home. 
But then it hit me that I don’t have to wait til I’m home to start. 
We don't have to wait to apply what God teaches us.
There's no better time than now.
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Thank you guys for always reading my blogs :) 
More to come very soon!!!