I hate being ignored. There's nothing that hurts me more than when somebody I care about does not respond to me, even more if I know they're purposefully ignoring me.
Yet, here I am.
Fresh from an 11-month, international mission trip.
Fully-aware of God's power and love.
Provided for.
Accepted to seminary.
And ignoring the Most High King.
Tuning Him out.
Not wanting to pray, or praise, or read His Word, or go to church, or fellowship.
Feeling anxious.
Choosing to fret over NOTHING.
Choosing to put aside everything I just learned and deprive myself of the joy He gives me.
I became angry with myself, easily swayed by circumstances, feeling like everything is out of order and I just don't fit.
I am standing on the edge, and I have a choice to make.
Every second of the day, I have a choice.
Am I going to make decisions that I will regret? Am I going to continue in this childish behavior, in a sea of self-pity and lies and confusion? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and do this over again? Am I content with the choices I made today?
No.
Not just marking a new year, a new month, a new day, but tomorrow I will make the choice to stop this ridiculousness.
I have not peaked in my faith.
I have NOT done enough.
I have not lived every adventure I'm going to experience.
I have not had enough of God's presence.
I don't know His word enough.
I am not okay on my own.
I am not independent from the One who sustains me.
I am not angry at Him. How could I be?
I am not indifferent or apathetic.
I am not unwilling, or tired, or lazy.
I am not unable, or ill-equipped.
I am not forsaken or forgotten or punished.
I am not awkward in social situations.
I am not going to run out of money.
I am not lacking anything.
I did not make a mistake by going on the trip.
I did not make a mistake by trusting in people that I love, regardless of the outcome.
I am not blamed or a poor influence.
My words are not discouraging, they are God's words in people's times of need.
He has not given me visions, dreams, and this passion for nothing.
He has not chosen me for nothing.
I am not waiting for nothing.
I am waiting for God, who is FAITHFUL and WORTHY and GOOD.
His timing is GOOD. It's okay that I don't know certain things. I know enough, no more and no less than exactly what I need to know at this moment. And if only I listened, maybe I'd know even more.
Wow I'm sorry.
I know better.
Even those who usually are the discouraging, 'realistic' people have said that surely I'll be okay. That surely everything will line up. They have seen God's favor in my life so many times that they don't even doubt it.
It's a test of faith, and my Father loves me with a patient love.
I am incredibly blessed.
I am blessed when He gives and when He takes away.
But oh, how He gives.
There is more to be had, and I want it.
Tomorrow will be different.
It will be a fresh day.
It will be a day of seeking and listening and praising, with thanksgiving.
Oh, and it'll be 2013. Happy New Year. :)
Yet, here I am.
Fresh from an 11-month, international mission trip.
Fully-aware of God's power and love.
Provided for.
Accepted to seminary.
And ignoring the Most High King.
Tuning Him out.
Not wanting to pray, or praise, or read His Word, or go to church, or fellowship.
Feeling anxious.
Choosing to fret over NOTHING.
Choosing to put aside everything I just learned and deprive myself of the joy He gives me.
I became angry with myself, easily swayed by circumstances, feeling like everything is out of order and I just don't fit.
I am standing on the edge, and I have a choice to make.
Every second of the day, I have a choice.
Am I going to make decisions that I will regret? Am I going to continue in this childish behavior, in a sea of self-pity and lies and confusion? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and do this over again? Am I content with the choices I made today?
No.
Not just marking a new year, a new month, a new day, but tomorrow I will make the choice to stop this ridiculousness.
I have not peaked in my faith.
I have NOT done enough.
I have not lived every adventure I'm going to experience.
I have not had enough of God's presence.
I don't know His word enough.
I am not okay on my own.
I am not independent from the One who sustains me.
I am not angry at Him. How could I be?
I am not indifferent or apathetic.
I am not unwilling, or tired, or lazy.
I am not unable, or ill-equipped.
I am not forsaken or forgotten or punished.
I am not awkward in social situations.
I am not going to run out of money.
I am not lacking anything.
I did not make a mistake by going on the trip.
I did not make a mistake by trusting in people that I love, regardless of the outcome.
I am not blamed or a poor influence.
My words are not discouraging, they are God's words in people's times of need.
He has not given me visions, dreams, and this passion for nothing.
He has not chosen me for nothing.
I am not waiting for nothing.
I am waiting for God, who is FAITHFUL and WORTHY and GOOD.
His timing is GOOD. It's okay that I don't know certain things. I know enough, no more and no less than exactly what I need to know at this moment. And if only I listened, maybe I'd know even more.
Wow I'm sorry.
I know better.
Even those who usually are the discouraging, 'realistic' people have said that surely I'll be okay. That surely everything will line up. They have seen God's favor in my life so many times that they don't even doubt it.
It's a test of faith, and my Father loves me with a patient love.
I am incredibly blessed.
I am blessed when He gives and when He takes away.
But oh, how He gives.
There is more to be had, and I want it.
Tomorrow will be different.
It will be a fresh day.
It will be a day of seeking and listening and praising, with thanksgiving.
Oh, and it'll be 2013. Happy New Year. :)
I just read this today and desperately needed to read it. I'm serious, we do need a Skype date soon. We are long lost sisters in Jesus!
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