HOW TO ELEVATE ELEVATOR AWKWARDNESS

I am nodding fiercely. This post has been brewing, boiling within me and it's finally here.
Enjoy the complimentary elevator music whilst you read, courtesy of authentic Brazilian jazz.

Ladies and Non-ladies,
I present to you a masterpiece. Thorough research conducted by me (I'm a scientist, I can do that) has led me to the threshold of awkwardness and personal discomfort.


WHY? WHY BE WEIRD IN AN ELEVATOR?
Elevators are ALWAYS weird. Gandhi said "Be the change you wish to see in the world"... I say "Be the awkwardness you wish to see in the elevator."

DON'T WAIT FOR IT
You don't have to wait until you're inside the elevator. Turn the awkwardness on before you're ever inside it.

Go for the same button, at the same time, but hang back a little, so they go for it and then you really go for it, like you're competing.

 - If you win... congratulations. You should say something along the lines of "yeah I always have to push the button." or "oh you'll get it next time"
- If you lose, you gotta congratulate your opponent. "Wow. I've never not pushed the button before, I guess congratulations" and look really shocked. Then ask what floor they're going to and if you can push their floor button for them once inside the elevator. Say "it's only fair."

Button Bonus - if you're in a middle floor, push the up and the down. Double winning.

One elevator - STARE STRAIGHT AT THE DOORS!!!!

Multiple elevators - Stare at every elevator door, in paranoia, and ask them "WHICH ONE IS IT GONNA BE? WHICH ONE?"

Ask people if they're lost while they're waiting for an elevator. That NEVER gets old.

IT'S HERE!!
This is when you really gotta move quickly.

STAND RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOORS. Your nose should practically be touching the doors. It'll not only be super awkward for the people you're waiting with, it'll also make for a really weird moment for the people trying to exit.

YOU'RE IN
Okay there are a lot of avenues you can take here. Consider these options.

Pushing every button is overdone, but that's up to you (or down to you). You can say that it minimizes the risk of getting stuck between floors. You can say your aunt had a baby in an elevator when it was stuck. Then ask if anybody in the elevator is pregnant.

Be Nicolas Cage. You guard the doors and you guard the buttons, as if it was a national emergency. "Everybody stay calm, have no fear, I am here. What floor do you need? I will get you there as safely as possible"  And really really overdo it when you're guarding the door open while people are exiting. Stand in front of the doors, and hug them. Say things like "you're safe now! Go go go!"


Be the fickle floor person. Ask someone to push a button, but then go "ahhh wait that's not it. Um let me think" and milk it for all it's worth. Then be fickle getting out of the elevator!  Get out then go "oh no no that's not the right floor, I'm sorry!" and run back into the elevator. Everybody's done it before, but not on purpose :) Repeat as needed.

Sharing is caring. Share a lot of personal details with the complete strangers in your elevator. Talk about relationships, or your morning routine. Ask for advice, as quickly as possible. Great way to max out the awkward factor.

Now, for inspiration, here are some funny awkward elevator pictures! Enjoy!

How to Greet in the Hallway

Working at a hospital, I walk down crowded hallways quite often. The problem here... is that people in Texas are so friendly. They want to ask you HOW ARE YOU as you're walking past each other.
So you say "Fine, how are you?" and then they have already passed by you. Awkward... I thought well that's unfair, there must be better ways to greet than the uncaring "how are you's" to which the answer must always be a rushed "fine." Therefore....


HOW TO GREET IN THE HALLWAY
(you're welcome, btw)

Silent Greetings

The silent nod - great option if you don't know the person, you acknowledge each other and move on.

The smirk nod - friendly, but you may start a conversation with that smirk. Smirk with caution.

The silent wave - just raise one hand up, quickly, nothing too wavy. Best if you walk quickly.

The gangster - throw up that gang sign, G. Or the deuces, my personal favorite. Duckface is optional.

The trekkie - just do it, it's funny.

Spoken Greetings

The factual statement - great way to speak yet control the conversation, just make sure you talk first. Short reply to follow, especially if you walk quickly.

• -Long time no see!
• -My, it's hot outside!
• -There's a lot of people here today!
• -Work work work!

Days of the week - perfect greeting for the workplace, and also great small talk.

• -It is such a Monday!
• -Is it only Tuesday?!
• -Wednesday, halfway!!
• -It's Thursday! Friday's Friday!
• -Friday! Come on, weekend!

Pleasantries & Compliments - go ahead and flatter the other person (only do this if you know them!!)

• -Great to see you!
• -Long time no see!
• -Looking good, so and so!
• -Aw I like that article of clothing!
• -Aw I like your hair today!
• -Don't you look nice?!

The Awkward Narrative - this is where you make a silly voice and describe what it is that you're doing or where you're going.

• -gotta get my grub on! *rubs belly*
• -just walking down the hall.
• -bathroom break!

The Movie Quoter - the perfect greeting. If you're gonna talk, you might as well get a kick out of it.

• -to infinityyy and beyoooond!
• -when in rome!
• -may the force be with you!
• -well hellooooooo!
• -hi ho hi ho it's off to work we go!
• -little rascals hand-under-chin greeting

Mess with them - get silly.

• -sing out loud whatever song is stuck in your head for just a few seconds.
• -swivel your neck and snap, like a musical.
• -shimmy
• -jazz hands!
• -double gun hands with a *pew pew*
• -just point to them and say "Youuuuuuuuuu!!"

In conclusion... there are many many ways to greet someone in the hallway. Do NOT subject them to
"how are you?" :)

How to Give Birthday Flowers

Most of my posts are directed toward women but this is an exception.

MEN,

As most of you know, there are expectations of you. Women expect to be remembered on their birthday. Women love flowers. Correction: ALL WOMEN love flowers. Here's my how to on giving birthday flowers.

Just Do It

If you consider yourself attached in any way, shape, or form, you should probably give the lady some flowers on her birthday. No need to confess your undying love or anything. Just some flowers to be sweet.

Choosing the Flowers/ Size of Arrangement/ Card

This gets confusing, and you never want to overdo it or not go with enough. No need to break the bank here, Don Juan, but be thoughtful please.

• if you're just "talking" - go with something cute and light. some Gerbera Daisies, Carnations, or Sunflowers would be more than appropriate. small bouquet here, nothing crazy!! Keep it short on the card. "Happy birthday" suffices, really!
  
  
• if you're "dating" or "going out" but not facebook official, no title - you can stick with the "talking" flower selections and small bouquet, but make sure the note is a little more meaningful. Call her beautiful, lovely, or gorgeous. Say something sweet. Being funny is always a great route as well.
  
  
• if you're totes offish - look into an arrangement. Go a little bit bigger. A cute combo of flowers. Throw some roses in the mix. Bright colors are great. If you're lovy dovy already, go ahead and be pretty romantic on the card.
• if you're long-terming it - you know what she loves. If you don't know her favorite flower, go by her personality. If she's more introverted, go with delicate flowers like peonies, hydrangeas, or creamy roses. If she's a firecracker, get her more exotic flowers. Fun colors. Dahlias, lillies, tulips, get creative. Don't get too crazy on the size because those are usually more expensive flowers. It's the thought that counts. Make the note meaningful.
• if you're engaged or married - ahhh. Don't mess it up!! Honestly, a bouquet of peonies is just about the most romantic thing in my book, if all fails, go with that. Roses are fool-proof. Get an arrangement if you're having trouble. Take your time on the note, dig deep buddy.

a little extravagant, but peonies are incredible

When & Where

If your woman is employed, your flowers must be delivered while she is AT WORK.  It is extremely important to women to have her birthday flowers in public at work. This is her day. She wants to feel acknowledged at work, and to be honest, she wants to show everyone at work that SOMEBODY cares enough to send flowers. It speaks volumes. Just do it.

Here's where it gets tricky....

If she's not at work on her birthday, you must ANTICIPATE and give her the flowers before her birthday, when she is at work.

• birthday on a saturday or sunday: give the flowers on friday at work
• if she works monday and tuesday, and her birthday is thursday: give the flowers on tuesday at work

If she doesn't work, give the flowers in an appropriate manner. If you're taking her out on a date, give them when you're picking her up. Basic.

Details

• Delivery is optional. You can hand deliver it to her work or have it delivered.
• Be aware that flowers wilt. And die. You don't want to buy them too far in advance!!
• Don't spend a fortune. That's not the point!
• Don't read into it too much if you're talking or dating. You're just being thoughtful.

THE END!

Women's Dress Code for a Country Concert

Dear Women of America,
I've recently experienced my very first major country concert: Kenny. Nothing could be more exciting than finally seeing the new Dallas Cowboys stadium and a great lineup of country artists. I was fortunate enough to know what to wear, but I wouldn't want to miss the opportunity to share with you the

Official Women's Dress Code for a Country Concert
I now consider myself an expert. My data was extensive. And I mean EXTENSIVE!
Let's go from head to toe, do si do.

Hair

1) GO BIG OR GO HOME

No in-between is going to cut it here. Either massively volumous (curls or poofs) OR dead straight (poof optional)  If you can find something with rhinestones to put in your hair, that's bonus.

2) Wear your hair DOWN!

No pony tails, this ain't a trip to the grocery store, ma! Put some effort into it.


 Stay away from braids and pigtails, unless you're 15 and under.  It's too close to a stereotype! Modern country women don't walk around in pigtails! Hats are for men. You're supposed to look like country barbie, for Pete's sake!

You can wear your camo hat when you're doing the things the songs are about, but do NOT wear it to a concert. All the other ladies are gonna do their hair, just sayin.

refer to Country Strong for further hair references

                                                                       
    
Face

put on some Carrie U. makeup, yall!

Wear makeup.  Seriously. WEAR MAKEUP. If you have a painful sunburn, don't bother. Just put on some mascara and look hardcore. Yeah, you outdoorswoman you! Wear it proud! But still, no hats. Make sure if you do have a sunburn, you overcompensate with amazing hair or........







 Neck

...CHUNKY JEWELRY, BABY!

Oh yeah, weigh that junk, if it ain't pulling you down, you don't have enough rocks in it!

Try vibrant colored rocks, like turquoise and coral! They ALWAYS MATCH.

BONUS!!

Also, you get amazing bonus points if you get a GIANT rhinestone cross hanging on your rock necklace. It's the country woman's bling bling, and it's not optional.







Torso
Here's a list of outfits that would make you look legit country. No woman wants to look white trash, but you may be wanting to show off a little bit... Here's how to go about it.

• The simplest way is to go with a dress. Find a cute, loose fitting dress. No short/tight stuff, this ain't the clubs!! A belt in the middle is a great idea. Strapless dresses are all the rage. Flowery, antique fabrics, think "would Taylor Swift wear this dress?" and if the answer is yes, that is a sure-fire way to know your dress will impress. Oh yes. Stress. Mess. Caress. Sorry, I just wanted to keep rhyming.

• Compromise!! If you're going with a 2 piece ensemble, do NOT go with all tight/short or long/loose. You're gonna want to find a happy medium. If you're gonna wear daisy dukes, make sure your top is flowy and NOT A WIFE BEATER. I can't say it enough. NO DAISY DUKES w/ WIFE BEATERS. If you're gonna go with a flowy skirt, go ahead and find a tighter or strappy top.
  
• Be oh so wary of button downs shirts.
  
• Do NOT overdo plaid. Don't wear plaid flannel, that's for pajamas. It may be comfortable, but this isn't a guide to dressing comfortably. Respect the Code. What would Carrie do?
  
• Frills are cool, ribbons are neat, paisley print is tuh-tuh-tuh-totally in.
  
• Camo... be classy about camo. Think camo-chic.
  
• NO PANTS. Get it through your head. Pants have no place on a woman at a Country concert. If you got jiggly legs, get you a long dress. If you have good legs, congratulations, you should wear shorts. Pants are for men. Yes, primitive. Don't argue.
  
• Bermuda shorts are okay, but MOM, please wear them with RHINESTONE FLIP FLOPS and NOT BOOTS. Boots and bermuda shorts DO NOT MATCH.
  
• This is the opportunity to wear your jean jacket and look super hipster. Dig it out of your closet if the weather requires it.
  
• On that note, if it is acid wash..... still okay!!! Yes, acid wash is cool. Acid wash daisy dukes are double cool. Go crazy!
  
  

Arms

bangels bangels bangels! CHUNKY JEWELRY! CHARMS!

 

                                                                                   

Legs
Show'em off, they better be some tan legs, hunny child. Orange you glad?! If you're pale white it works too, more Taylor Swift points!


Shoes
This isn't the time to show off how hipster you are with your little flats. Save those for the mall. If you wanna get down to it, you have 2 choices.
BOOTS or RHINESTONE FLIP FLOPS.
None of the tennis shoes/strappy heels junk. This ain't a club, it's a country concert.
Simple is best here. And by simple I mean lots and lots of rhinestones.

Accessories
You're good if

• -it's heavy
• -it's shiny
• -it's got charms on it
• -it's a color you find in a coral reef
• -it's a coral reef
• -it's got a giant cross
• -it's got a giant coral cross
• -it's got a rhinestone cross on it
• -it screams "I'm country strong, hard to break, like the ground I grew up on, you may fool me and I'll fall, but I won't stay down long, cause I'm country stroooooong." Amen.
  

There it is. I've done my best. Now when you go see amazing live country music, you will dazzle and fit right on in. Yeehaw :)

How to Lose a Guy

Don't ask me how I know, but through my terrible, hilarious dating experiences, I bring you my "How to Lose a Guy" blog :) brace yourself.

How to Lose a Guy

Mental Preparation
In order to lose a guy, you must first prepare your mind for failure. Chant things like "I'll never find a guy" and "oh wow I am lonely" throughout your day. Make sure you reach the bittersweet borders of desperation. Men can smell it.

Initial Communication

• Go ahead and initiate. Men are like tiny, scared little kittens. And terrified of rejection. Most are emotionally scarred from previous relationships, so don't take it personally.  
• Memorize his facebook, as it'll come in handy later on the first date. He'll think you're SO smart when you can recount to him the names of his family members and ex-girlfriends. Make sure to note the pretty ones and go on THEIR facebook and check if they've moved on. Better safe than sorry, girl!
• Also, always text back. IMMEDIATELY. He won't notice at first, but eventually he'll realize your free time consists of staring at the phone willing it to beep with sweet messages from him, beckoning your presence.

First Date

• Make sure he knows he's being watched and tested. 
• Bring up heavy topics, like children, marriage, baggage, and here's the kicker: ask about his family. MAKE SURE you drop names. He'll know you've done your homework, and this will start the red flag process. 
• Talk, talk, talk. Fill the empty moments.
• Start watching for habits and flaws. Those will be useful later on, so pay careful attention.

Relationship

If you get this far, congratulations! You didn't scare him off!! But don't worry, you're just getting started, and he's gonna BOLT!

• Get clingy. You want to see him OFTEN!! Why? Well besides the fact you really care about him, it's obvious you're trying to freak him out. Make sure you demand an excuse for when you CAN'T spend time together.
• Make sure you go above and beyond, you offer to bring him meals when he's sick, you even offer to clean his place. Go on super girlfriend mode. It adds a new kind of pressure only men are sensitive to. Girls call it "being sweet" and men see the "danger, danger, wife material" sign.
• Be watchful for the first disagreement, and this is the important step: CRY. Be certain you CRY!! Men never know how to act around a woman who's crying and they feel awful about it. Send him packing for that guilt trip!! Being emotional is going to propel you to glorious lose-a-guy action.
•  Bring up his flaws and ask him to change or compromise. The jury is still out on the exact number, but I can tell you, a VERY HIGH PERCENTAGE of men will NOT change for you. This will probably be the "lose the guy" moment, especially if you can cry while you say it.
• Physical frustration. Yes. Another great moment to bring up children and marriage. (On a serious note, you're not a piece of meat! You deserve a man that will treat you with respect.)
• If you still haven't lost him, whoa. WHOA! The next progression is bringing up his FRIENDS' flaws and making sure he acknowledges and agrees with you on each and every one. This is as good a time to cry as any.
• Show up in your pjs, don't do your hair, let him see you at your least attractive moments. This may scare him off, but honestly, if you've made it this far, you may not lose this guy.

Conclusion...
Ladies,
Losing a guy is difficult, but if you do it the right way, it can be rather simple.
If your guy put up with all that, he is as crazy as you are, and you're probably meant to be together.

Aggressive Chewing

Calling it a new smile might be a bit exaggerated, but I've started my Invisalign year journey to a straighter-toothed smile!
Besides the mother of all headaches yesterday, the only thing I'm having problems with is biting the heck out of my lip and cheeks while eating.
My teeth have become sharp foreign objects in my mouth. I won't have a bottom lip after this. What gets it caught are the little anchors they put on... they are the color of my teeth but they are these BUMPS and well... they protrude and when I bite down they pinch my poor lips/cheeks.
Add to this how lazy I am that I don't want to go through the process of taking them out, eating, brushing, rinsing, then putting them back.... so my snacking era is over. I thought this morning that a bowl of cereal sounded like an absolutely wonderful choice for breakfast... and now with a few spoonfuls of sweet berry captain crunch in my system and a bloody lip.... well ... I'm beginning to question that decision.
I think the root cause of my problem here is my aggressive chewing. I chew like a lioness chews a live zebra. I chew to kill and there is no need for that. Slow down, ye powerful mandibles!! No need to be a.. cereal killer... *rolls eyes*

Solutions:

• Chew kindly aka gnaw
• Eat foods that I can gum
• Not eat
• Drink my meal
• Half-chew.. yeah, not bite all the way down
• Only eat things that are small enough to be swallowed whole
• Unhinge my jaw and swallow anything whole, like a snake
• Get a feeding tube
• Line the inside of my mouth with a protective layer of some kind
• Line those sharp pointy bits of my teeth so as to decrease the danger
• Numb my mouth before meals and deal with the consequences later
• Pretend I'm in slow motion..... WINNER!

Petite Single Woman's Guide to Grocery Shopping

Being a mere 5'1/2" feet short (ha!), petite, single woman has its perks, like... fitting into small spaces, rarely having to duck, and being so close to the ground that tripping can't hurt. On the flip side... there are many struggles I face due to my earthly body, one of which is grocery shopping.

But Why?!

• -I can't reach top shelves (at home or at the store)
• -Carrying the groceries can be somewhat difficult
• -My non-intimidating appearance does me no good in crowded aisles
• -The checkout employee always has to make a comment about my purchases because of my size i.e."wow you can eat all this cereal?"
• -Parking lot safety is always something to keep in mind

Action Plan

If you or a loved one ever have these troubles, follow my simple guide to a stress-free grocery shopping experience for the vertically-challenged female.


Make a careful grocery list

• -Consider the weight of the items you will be purchasing. Would you rather carry a gallon of milk or a carton? Can you carry that many cans of soup? Remember ramen is a practically weightless and affordable alternative.
• -Purchase store brand items, as they are very likely placed on a shelf you can reach.
• -Avoid buying the same item in bulk due to possible cashier harassment. My personal tips: 5 or less cans of tuna, 2 or less tubs of nutella, 2 or less boxes of cereal, 2 or less boxes of popsicles, and my favorite 8 or less cans of soup so you don't have to hear "you like soup, huh?!" Also try to be conscious of the "super packs" of bathroom products, as those will also earn you some raised eyebrows.

Choose your grocery store and parking wisely

• -Be wary that the "cheaper" the store, the more likely you will be raped/mugged/murdered in the parking lot.
• -Park near the front if at all possible.
• -Park near a shopping cart rack.
• -Park AWAY from any car that has creepy people in it.
• -Keep in mind that every time you park at Wal-mart, you are much more likely to die, day or night.
• -Go to a store in the safest part of your neighborhood, if you have a choice. For example, in Temple you go to the HEB on 31st Street and never ever to the "Ghetto HEB" on 25th Street. Choose wisely.
• -When loading groceries, put them in your trunk and leave your car locked while you load them. This will decrease your odds of having a stranger sneak into your car.
• -Also... don't hang out in your car at a grocery store parking lot, especially at night. Get your groceries loaded, lock your doors, and drive off. Don't be dumb or you will get raped. This also applies for gas stations.

When to shop

• -Shop when "old people" are awake. Imagine an old lady, waking up at 5 am and going to bed at a reasonable hour of 9:30 pm. Shopping during that time span is usually safe.
• -Opt for daytime. In my experience, weekday mornings are the best time to avoid crowds.
• -If you must shop when the store is crowded, you may have to park your cart (take your purse!) and go fetch your items when aisles are especially crowded. This is when being petite comes in handy since you can squeeze between carts.

Miscellaneous Tips

• -Consider the weather/lighting.  Don't make huge shopping trips when it's dark. Don't shop when it's pouring rain outside. You don't want to get murdered in the rain. They won't find you.
• -Choose a younger female checkout person if at all possible. Old people take a long time and men usually make snarky unnecessary comments.
• -Avoid creepy people during your entire shopping experience. Don't get in line behind a creeper or they may wait for you outside. I should rephrase that. They WILL wait for you outside.
• -Don't shop when you're hungry lest you compromise your petite frame.
• -Pick a good cart, try to get a smaller one or a basket if you're just shopping for essentials. Beware of squeaky/swervy carts. Test them out or they may outmaneuver you.
• -Practice powerwalking on your own time, as it may save your life.
• -Walk to your car with keys between your knuckles. Always be ready to poke someone's eye out.

I hope this information is helpful to all my petite single women. Be safe and happy shopping! Remember, when you're not big or tall, you have to compensate with planning and strategic paranoia.