No, this blog isn't about me singing. You're welcome.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
-Thoreau
I've been doing a lot of standing up to live, and not as much sitting down to write. It's almost become a foreign thing, something that was once so natural to me. Now I put my life through so many filters before I share it. I ask myself too many questions. I lose the original spark, the gutsy courage that hits 'publish' and 'share' and lets the blog be read.
Is this appropriate? Is it too personal? Is it my story or somebody else's story? Does it represent me well? What will my family/friends/sponsors/coworkers/strangers/ministry partners/future employers think of this blog?
And I don't even post it. I don't even make it halfway into writing and editing. It's no longer a simple expression of my experience, but it's become some complex monster of a thing.
I worry about word count, and how many pictures I have in it, and how it's spaced. I worry about colors and fonts and I try too hard to find the best title, because, let's face it, the title is everything.
I worry about the takeaway more than I worry about me enjoying to write it or share it.
So this is me breaking that pattern.
This goes unedited, normal black font, without a picture, and the title isn't even that great.
Enjoy it or not... because I enjoy writing it :)
Oh and I'm breaking every rule, because I'm composing this in the blog window already. And I'm not gonna back it up before I publish it. If I lose this entry, so be it.
Ahem...
If my life for the past month could be summed up in a picture, it'd be blurry. It'd be the kind of thing you want to capture in a photo, but you just can't. You put down the camera, and just smile. You give up in the best way. It's not something you can keep, and even a picture wouldn't cut it. The memories themselves would just have to do.
Everything has been going in fast forward. Opportunities presented before me, people believing in me and my dreams, loss and gain, tears of happiness, and that feeling of holding your breath, hoping that nothing falls off the wagon. I've asked God plenty of times if this is too good to be true.
The cynical haha, but really, waiting for something bad to happen. Guys, I've been waiting, and it's... still good. God is still faithful. He's still speaking to me, still growing me and pushing me. I have yet to hit a wall, even as I sat there and waited for the other shoe to drop.
I wanted to say to whoever is reading this that it's okay to be happy. We sit and wait for a thousand things to line up perfectly, and then, lo and behold, when Jesus starts to pour out answered prayers... BE HAPPY. Don't be afraid.
It's the feeling of asking for ice-cream, and then receiving it, but worrying that it'll melt too fast. Don't do that. Enjoy the moment.
Last weekend, I went to my friend Emily's dad's funeral. He lived an amazing life and I can't even begin to describe how great that grave-side, simple service was. His friends and family gathered around, told stories, laughed and cried. It made me realize, again, that it's time to stop taking things for granted. Time here on earth is short. Enjoy it. Be merry. Be brave. As I hugged Emily while she cried, and held Mama Penny's hand, I knew that I needed to keep letting go of fear. I need to keep being myself, the Helena that scores 100% Positivity on Strengths Finder. The one that will find a reason to laugh, and needs no reason to smile. And the one that doesn't care if a blog isn't perfectly edited, because I know darn well that life isn't always perfectly pleasing to the eye.
So here I am... Phylla House flyers are up around town. I'm on the brink of new adventures, new roadtrips, new ministry, and I will not be silent about it. I will be happy out loud.
New is here! New is good!
And new sometimes is unedited :)
Now I will hit post, and I will not look back.
"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
-Thoreau
I've been doing a lot of standing up to live, and not as much sitting down to write. It's almost become a foreign thing, something that was once so natural to me. Now I put my life through so many filters before I share it. I ask myself too many questions. I lose the original spark, the gutsy courage that hits 'publish' and 'share' and lets the blog be read.
Is this appropriate? Is it too personal? Is it my story or somebody else's story? Does it represent me well? What will my family/friends/sponsors/coworkers/strangers/ministry partners/future employers think of this blog?
And I don't even post it. I don't even make it halfway into writing and editing. It's no longer a simple expression of my experience, but it's become some complex monster of a thing.
I worry about word count, and how many pictures I have in it, and how it's spaced. I worry about colors and fonts and I try too hard to find the best title, because, let's face it, the title is everything.
I worry about the takeaway more than I worry about me enjoying to write it or share it.
So this is me breaking that pattern.
This goes unedited, normal black font, without a picture, and the title isn't even that great.
Enjoy it or not... because I enjoy writing it :)
Oh and I'm breaking every rule, because I'm composing this in the blog window already. And I'm not gonna back it up before I publish it. If I lose this entry, so be it.
Ahem...
If my life for the past month could be summed up in a picture, it'd be blurry. It'd be the kind of thing you want to capture in a photo, but you just can't. You put down the camera, and just smile. You give up in the best way. It's not something you can keep, and even a picture wouldn't cut it. The memories themselves would just have to do.
Everything has been going in fast forward. Opportunities presented before me, people believing in me and my dreams, loss and gain, tears of happiness, and that feeling of holding your breath, hoping that nothing falls off the wagon. I've asked God plenty of times if this is too good to be true.
The cynical haha, but really, waiting for something bad to happen. Guys, I've been waiting, and it's... still good. God is still faithful. He's still speaking to me, still growing me and pushing me. I have yet to hit a wall, even as I sat there and waited for the other shoe to drop.
I wanted to say to whoever is reading this that it's okay to be happy. We sit and wait for a thousand things to line up perfectly, and then, lo and behold, when Jesus starts to pour out answered prayers... BE HAPPY. Don't be afraid.
It's the feeling of asking for ice-cream, and then receiving it, but worrying that it'll melt too fast. Don't do that. Enjoy the moment.
Last weekend, I went to my friend Emily's dad's funeral. He lived an amazing life and I can't even begin to describe how great that grave-side, simple service was. His friends and family gathered around, told stories, laughed and cried. It made me realize, again, that it's time to stop taking things for granted. Time here on earth is short. Enjoy it. Be merry. Be brave. As I hugged Emily while she cried, and held Mama Penny's hand, I knew that I needed to keep letting go of fear. I need to keep being myself, the Helena that scores 100% Positivity on Strengths Finder. The one that will find a reason to laugh, and needs no reason to smile. And the one that doesn't care if a blog isn't perfectly edited, because I know darn well that life isn't always perfectly pleasing to the eye.
So here I am... Phylla House flyers are up around town. I'm on the brink of new adventures, new roadtrips, new ministry, and I will not be silent about it. I will be happy out loud.
New is here! New is good!
And new sometimes is unedited :)
Now I will hit post, and I will not look back.
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