Why Am I Crazy?

Looking at some of my choices in the last couple of years, you'd think I lost my mind.
People work to build the stability that I used to have.

I had a nice salary. I had a furnished 2-bedroom apartment. I had a nice job, that was in the 'good hours' and let me feel important on rotating weekends, acting as the boss to some.

I had the proximity to my family (well, the fam that's in America). I was 15 minutes away from my mother and stepdad, and one hour away from my brother's college campus.

I had a church family who is honestly probably the best church community I've ever had in my life. I felt loved and that I belonged, even though I was going through brokenness. I was well-connected with the church leadership.

Then I left it all. I sold it all. I hopped on a plane and went all around the world for the gospel.

I got home, and you'd think I'd gotten it together, gotten the 'adventure' out of my system, right?
Nope.

I moved to another state and started an apprenticeship at the very organization which sent me all around the world. Those gospel-enablers!

I wanted to learn from them. I wanted to learn about life as I never knew it before.

A life that isn't about 'how much money can I make' but a life that can actually change the world and impact it for Jesus. I've learned enough common sense to think that this is crazy, but it didn't hold me back.

What did Jesus even mean when He sent the disciples without a bag?

Surely He wasn't naive enough to think that they wouldn't have needs? That they wouldn't get hungry, or need to change clothes, or that they had no responsibilities to own up to?

Somehow, the disciples came back astounded. Miracles took place. Lives were changed.

I want that lifestyle.

I want to stand on the edge and say that I know that God will provide for me.

Yeah, I took a full-time job that pays me literally less than 1/3 of the one I had before. Less than 1/3.
I have to fundraise the other half of my income, and that still barely takes me up to 1/2 of what I used to make.

Guys... it's not about the money. It hasn't been about the money for me in over 2 years now.
I want my life to look more like those disciples in the Bible than the average American neighbor.

Yes, if that means I have to work multiple jobs to pay my debts and survive, so be it.
Yes, if that means I get to invite other people to come alongside me in ministry, if they look at what I'm doing with my time and my skills, and say "yeah, that's ministry, I can donate towards that" and give, so be it.
I will receive what the Lord has for me.
God will (already has) provided for my needs. Whether you cheer, join His team, or simply watch from the sidelines is up to you.

'But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.' Phil 3:7
'Not that I am looking for a gift, but I am looking for what may be credited to your account.' Phil 4:17

Finding My Voice

No, this blog isn't about me singing. You're welcome.

"How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live."
-Thoreau

I've been doing a lot of standing up to live, and not as much sitting down to write. It's almost become a foreign thing, something that was once so natural to me. Now I put my life through so many filters before I share it. I ask myself too many questions. I lose the original spark, the gutsy courage that hits 'publish' and 'share' and lets the blog be read.

Is this appropriate? Is it too personal? Is it my story or somebody else's story? Does it represent me well? What will my family/friends/sponsors/coworkers/strangers/ministry partners/future employers think of this blog?

And I don't even post it. I don't even make it halfway into writing and editing. It's no longer a simple expression of my experience, but it's become some complex monster of a thing.
I worry about word count, and how many pictures I have in it, and how it's spaced. I worry about colors and fonts and I try too hard to find the best title, because, let's face it, the title is everything.

I worry about the takeaway more than I worry about me enjoying to write it or share it.

So this is me breaking that pattern.

This goes unedited, normal black font, without a picture, and the title isn't even that great.
Enjoy it or not... because I enjoy writing it :)

Oh and I'm breaking every rule, because I'm composing this in the blog window already. And I'm not gonna back it up before I publish it. If I lose this entry, so be it.

Ahem...

If my life for the past month could be summed up in a picture, it'd be blurry. It'd be the kind of thing you want to capture in a photo, but you just can't. You put down the camera, and just smile. You give up in the best way. It's not something you can keep, and even a picture wouldn't cut it. The memories themselves would just have to do.

Everything has been going in fast forward. Opportunities presented before me, people believing in me and my dreams, loss and gain, tears of happiness, and that feeling of holding your breath, hoping that nothing falls off the wagon. I've asked God plenty of times if this is too good to be true.

The cynical haha, but really, waiting for something bad to happen. Guys, I've been waiting, and it's... still good. God is still faithful. He's still speaking to me, still growing me and pushing me. I have yet to hit a wall, even as I sat there and waited for the other shoe to drop.

I wanted to say to whoever is reading this that it's okay to be happy. We sit and wait for a thousand things to line up perfectly, and then, lo and behold, when Jesus starts to pour out answered prayers... BE HAPPY.  Don't be afraid.

It's the feeling of asking for ice-cream, and then receiving it, but worrying that it'll melt too fast. Don't do that. Enjoy the moment.

Last weekend, I went to my friend Emily's dad's funeral. He lived an amazing life and I can't even begin to describe how great that grave-side, simple service was. His friends and family gathered around, told stories, laughed and cried. It made me realize, again, that it's time to stop taking things for granted. Time here on earth is short. Enjoy it. Be merry. Be brave. As I hugged Emily while she cried, and held Mama Penny's hand, I knew that I needed to keep letting go of fear. I need to keep being myself, the Helena that scores 100% Positivity on Strengths Finder. The one that will find a reason to laugh, and needs no reason to smile. And the one that doesn't care if a blog isn't perfectly edited, because I know darn well that life isn't always perfectly pleasing to the eye.


So here I am... Phylla House flyers are up around town.  I'm on the brink of new adventures, new roadtrips, new ministry, and I will not be silent about it. I will be happy out loud.

New is here! New is good!

And new sometimes is unedited :)

Now I will hit post, and I will not look back.

UGANDA miss me when I'm gone!

When I'm gone,
When I'm go-o-o-one,
Uganda miss me when I'm go-o-one... 

Yes, I have been plugging 'Uganda' into song lyrics! That's how excited I am about this trip.
Not just a trip, but a fulfilled prophecy and an answered prayer!

I dared to whisper and declare while I was in Uganda in 2012 that I'd be back soon, in 2013.
God confirmed in January that I'd be going to Uganda.
In April, I received the news I'd been chosen to lead this trip!

Yes and Amen!

I fly out July 8th and return August 1st.  I am co-leading a youth trip (Ambassador) through Adventures In Missions.
You can follow the trip blogs here. 
Yes, I am also visiting a ministry with which Phylla House will partner.
Yes, this ministry is amazing. You can check it out here.



We'll be preaching and teaching all month.
It'll be an incredible, growing experience for the team of 14 youth, ages 15-18.
Please keep us covered in prayer!!!
Pictures and stories to come, of course... :)

Blessings and really crazy joy,

Helena

The Overflow

There is so much to say. In just a couple of weeks, the Lord has done wonderful things.

Let me list out the incredible answered prayers, yeah?
Here's the overflow of my heart:

• I'm going to Uganda for 4 weeks this summer. Leading a youth mission trip! If you want to donate toward trip costs, you can do so here.

• Phylla House has grown from one excited lady to 3 excited ladies. Hello staff!

• I'm coming to Texas at the end of this month and the first half of June. Yeehaw, I'll see my fam and friends!

• I have the honor of sharing and helping to counsel at a girls' conference in East Texas, and I'm so excited!

• My heart is full full full. Full of joy, full of hope, full of trust. God is so good to me. He has wonderful plans and He's made a huge point: I have no reason to fret, no reason to fear, and every reason to smile.

• Georgia is my new home. The Lord told me to root down, and I'm obeying. I'll be gone for about 2 months this summer, but don't worry, lil peaches: I'll be back soon. :)

Com muito amor,

Helena

Thankful

Thank you thank you thank you for your prayers.

Tomorrow, we are meeting as Phylla House at the Smith's home, to vision cast and pray.

The Lord has brought people together who are passionate about this dream and this cause.

They are passionate about healing, struggles, community, encouragement, testimonies, missions, orphans, widows, divorcees, and single moms.

God is bringing this through.

Pray and watch the Lord deliver.

Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness. 
Psalm 115:1

...You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the Lord your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.
Joshua 23:14

It's More Dear To His Heart

Hey friends and family!
As most of you should know by now, I'm taking a big step toward the Kingdom dream that the Lord put on my heart. The women's ministry He called me and gave me a vision for is beginning.
Phylla House is a ministry for divorced or widowed women, and it brings them into a compassionate community so that they can heal and impart wisdom from the Lord to each other.
The baby step is a 6-week Bible study starting April 8th.

I worked super hard on getting the website from imaginary to functional, and pushed through the frustration of having no idea how to do it, and trusted the Lord to come through. He did! It's done! It's live! Hallelujah!! Phyllahouse.com

An amazing family from my church stepped forward in support, offering their home and their wisdom to push this dream forward. Answered prayer!

Women can sign up at phyllahouse.com/bible-study and they can choose either Mondays or Tuesdays, which is a big commitment for me, but I am so willing.

Last night I got super discouraged, because nobody has signed up yet.
I started to count all the negatives.
I started to feel terrible about it!

Then God ministered to my heart through a devotional called Streams in the Desert, a gift from a dear friend.

Phylla House is more dear to His heart.
I can trust Him.
I can leave it with Him.
I haven't failed, because it's not up to me. I'm being obedient. I haven't held back, I haven't abandoned the ship. I haven't withheld the vision. My passion hasn't waned.

They are His daughters.
Phylla House is His ministry.
His little church of sorts.
His community.
His body.

So I choose to trust the prophecy and the dream, because in trusting that, I trust the One who gave it to me.
I trust His timing.
I trust His Spirit.
He is alive.
He reigns.

Hope lives.

Healing will happen as naturally and miraculously as the flowers that start 'neath the snow.
Not due to my effort.
Not for my glory.

For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans 11:36

Rebuked

"He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise."
-Proverbs 15:31

Loud and clear, I heard it.
I felt that sinking feeling, the one we feel when we're reprimanded in front of the whole class. I messed up.

What I did may sound silly to you. You're probably gonna snicker and think "Helena, that's not even bad." Trust me though, it was.

You know when you go to a restaurant and you order the same thing, because you've had it before and you know how it tastes and what to expect?

I ordered cheese pizza.

Nothing wrong with cheese pizza, but as I looked through the menu, I saw different combinations, different foods, crazy toppings, and I was hungry.
I had decided in my mind that I would try something different, get a little crazy, if you will. Then, as the server took the order, I defaulted back to cheese pizza.


Menus taken away, server out of sight, chatter resumed, and then it hit me.

I found myself waiting for cheese pizza. Seriously?

Enough time passed for me to think about this decision, and I realized that I do this in several areas of my life. I default back to what I feel is familiar, choosing things I feel I can control. When I got home from the race, for example, the first thing I did was apply to a hospital. Why not work at a place I've worked for the last 3 years? That's logical.

However, the Lord has given me an alternate plan and a deeper hunger.

It takes a lot more faith and trust to go on a limb, try new things, allow myself to be surprised, and not order the cheese pizza of life.

Jesus is teaching me that courage.
He keeps assuring me that there is more in store for me than I can imagine and keep trying to choose for myself.
He is daring me to try, to ask, to seek, to knock.


In His rebuke, He said 'you know better than to ask little of me.'

Busted. Rebuked.

More, please. Surprise me. 

It Starts Here

As I drove into Laurel Park to run its mile loop, I began looking for the trail start. I didn’t see it, but I spotted the half-mile mark. Good enough, I thought. I parked my car and began my run. 

Halfway through the loop, I found the real start sign. 

Most of you know I feel called to women’s ministry, but I didn’t know where to start. 

I followed the Lord’s leading to Georgia, of all places, and hit the ground running.

I’ve been serving in the Adventures In Missions office and taking classes in the afternoon, as part of the Center for Global Action (CGA) curriculum. I've been meeting with several people who have taken me under their wings, people whose words I take to heart and whose faith I admire. I even signed up for a web design class! I started attending Revolution Church and now I am one of the leaders for their brand-new youth group, Recourse.

The pace has been wild and new, but I kept on running.
Lo and behold, I spotted my start sign...

Leading a Bible study!

The very first Phylla House Bible Study for divorced and widowed women will be here in Gainesville, Georgia. It’ll be 7 weeks long, meeting on Mondays, from 6 to 8pm.  With the Lord’s blessing, there will be ladies who are willing to meet and allow me to lead them in a very special study through relevant and sensitive subjects. It kicks off April 8^th and goes until May 20^th.  If you’re interested and available, send me an email at phyllahouse@gmail.com.

I've been working on the website, and it isn't much yet but I'm learning: phyllahouse.com

The Lord is calling and I'm answering.

How’s that for a start?

I'm Not Getting Flowers Tomorrow

Here comes Valentine's Day...

no peonies for me...

I'm not getting flowers tomorrow.

I’m not talking about flowers from a friend, because I got those.

I’m not talking about a cupcake from a coworker, because I got that.

I’m not talking about little valentines or little notes or little hearts or little bears or little stars or little candies or gummies or glitter or anything that is pink, shiny, or snuggly.

Romance.

I’m talking about romance.

Kissing in the rain like The Notebook, romance.

I don’t have that right now. This is okay. 

To say that I don’t care spills over into a different place.

I do care. I care a lot! Romance is great! 

Some people have this romance. It comes out on Valentine’s Day. It comes out on my Facebook feed. It comes out on Pinterest. It comes out everywhere, and I manage to dodge the spirit of comparison to the very best of my ability. Other people’s romance does not upset me. 

Like I said, I’m not getting flowers tomorrow.

I don’t have that right now. 

On Valentine’s Day, I see the place in my life where that could be there. There is room for it. It’s not a void. It’s not something I need to survive. Jesus is my everything. He is the ultimate romancer of souls, He’s the one that I LOVE. Last year I wrote about this here. 

The same way that my heart stirs when yet another friend is having a baby, my heart stirs on Valentine’s Day. 

This is okay. 

It’s not a desperate stir. 

It’s not a ‘eat my feelings’ stir. 

It’s not a ‘cry myself to sleep’ stir.

If you’re doing those things, you need more of Jesus telling you you’re beautiful every morning, and more of Jesus telling you He loves you with the sky, and with the birds, and in the little ways He whispers. Jesus does those things. He fills the voids permanently. He is the hope. He is the love.  

It’s not Jesus during your single season. It’s still Jesus when you’re dating. It’s still Jesus when you’re engaged. It’s still Jesus when you’re a wife. It’s still Jesus when you’re a mother. Nobody comes along and relieves Jesus of His place in your life. And anytime you put someone where Jesus is supposed to be, you’re in for a fierce disappointment, because they (your boyfriend/husband/children) just won’t live up to Jesus, and because that place was made for Jesus, by Jesus, who made your heart. 

As for romance—the earthly, temporary, physical aspect of the word—there is room.
I won’t be prideful enough to demand it from God, as if the Creator of the Universe has forgotten to check on me, as one who’s baking a cake, and here I am, the cake, demanding He pricks me with a toothpick to see that I’m ready.

He will know when I’m ready. He will know when he’s ready.

Romance will come, and when it comes, it won’t be about finally getting some flowers on Valentine’s Day.

To the Wholehearted

Tonight, we had a class on the whole Old Testament. It was intense, and beautiful.

What stuck with me the most was that we memorized that David was wholehearted.
He loved big, and he messed up royally.
At the end of the day, though, he was remembered as wholehearted, one after God’s own heart. This is my encouragement to those who love big and mess up big. Those who seek the Lord and obey Him wholeheartedly. The few, the brave, who march in with slings and stones and slay giants in their everyday lives. Those who mess everything up and suffer the consequences, choosing to trust God. I know you're still out there. This is for you.

Here's to you, wholehearted person. 

You are not afraid to feel. You go big or you go home. When you hear the voice of God, you believe it’s Him, and you obey Him. Sometimes you hesitate. Sometimes you have fear. But ultimately, you know God gets His way. He sends people to you, and you know what you need to do. This is the big part: you do it. You do it with your whole heart. You jump in with both feet, without the guarantee of a safe landing. 

Unfortunately (and actually for your good) you don’t always land well. Things don’t always work out well. Sometimes it’s really nasty, really painful. Somehow, in all the pain, you get a flashback of yourself jumping in with both feet. You remember the faith of the leap, and along with that memory comes a tiny, soft whisper “it was worth it.”  There are no regrets for the wholehearted. You can look back and think of yourself as foolish. You can look back and think of yourself as naïve. In the end, however, when you really examine your heart, you realize you’re neither foolish nor naïve. What you did, you did because you were told.  You’re brave. You’re obedient. You get to hear your Papa in heaven tell you how proud of you He is. Other people miss out on that. They get to hold on to their pride, their fears, their comforts, and they never experience broken, on-your-face, busted-up-in-the-pit intimacy with Papa. They don’t get to hear His soothing voice because they’re not even listening.
Sometimes, though, you land well. Remember the victory and the bliss.
Don't forget that the glory isn't yours.

Sometimes you mess up. You royally mess up. You get hasty, impatient, rash. You feel too much, too fast. You struggle with anger and shame. You want your way. You'll fight tooth and nail to get what you want, at whatever cost. Those conscious decisions to do things 'your way' have consequences. They hurt. It's a different kind of pain. You end up in the familiar pit. Humble. And again, the Lord meets you and soothes you with grace.

Do not ever let pain deter you from courage. Do not let the past corrupt you. Do not let Satan lie to you. You take big risks for God. People won’t always back you up, but God’s gifts and calling are irrevocable. Deep down you know that, which is why you are the way you are. You know grace, and you embrace it. You know you are deeply loved first, so you love deeply.

In the end of the day, you experience passion. 

You are willing to suffer for a cause. 

You invest your whole self.

Everybody dies, but not everybody lives, right?

Wholehearted one,

you live.

Walking In the Rain

My friend and I were driving to Chili's and he noticed two women and 2 children on the side of the road, walking in the rain.
We talked about how it was strange and wondered what was up. He decides to turn the car around and go check on them. We pull up, roll the windows down, and something just clicked in my heart. They were Hispanic. I spoke to them in Spanish, and asked where they were walking to in the rain, and if they needed a ride. They got in the car. We learned their names and introduced ourselves, and I made Spanish baby-talk at their children. We then listened to one of the ladies tell us about how she was robbed the other day as she walked home. God have mercy.

We drove them to a little house (short drive, long walk) and dropped them off. They told us:

'This is your home, come back anytime, this is your home. God bless you.'

Photo credit:Victoria Bonn-Meuser / DPA

For all the times that I've walked in the rain in my life, and for all the times that the Lord has sent me help, I can offer Him my heart and say 'This is your home.'

When was the last time the Lord rescued you out of the rain?

Singing Over Me

The Bible says that God rejoices over us with singing.

I've sometimes felt like God was rejoicing over me with a pretty sky, or with a cool breeze, or when a child would extend their little arms toward me to be picked up. I've always felt loved when those things happened. But the Bible does say He sings and if He sings, there's gotta be a song, right?

"The LORD your God is with you,

He is mighty to save.

He will take great delight in you,

He will quiet you with His love,

He will rejoice over you with singing."

-Zephaniah 3:17

As I was worshiping with the other CGA interns this morning on the last day of our retreat, I asked the Lord what He was singing over me.

What are the lyrics to Your song for me this morning, Lord?

And of course, He answered. As I was singing, the words just started to flow out of my mouth. This is what He was singing over me:

It'll all be okay.
Do you know who I am?
I gave you breath.
I GIVE you breath.
I’ve got you, child.
I’ve got it all under control.
I am Sovereign, the Living God.
It’s all for my glory.
It’ll all be okay.
No more pain.
No more tears.
No more shame.
No more fears.
I promise you, child.
It’ll all be okay.
It’s all for my glory.
It’s all by my power.
Do you know who you are?
Do you know who I am?
I’m your Father, the Living God.
It’ll all be okay.
I will heal, for my glory.
I have compassion.
Do you know who I am?
I made it all.
I made them all.
I’ve got it all, child.
I've got them.
I’ve got you.
You’re my sweet child.
You are a joy to me.
It’ll all be okay, because
I love you forever and ever
And ever and ever and ever.

Ask the Lord to tell you what He's singing over you today.
It's a special song, it's a perfect song. He knows exactly what you need to hear.
I can guarantee you it's a similar song to the one He sang to me.
He loves you forever and ever and ever and ever.


Love and blessings,

Helena