Ignoring God

I hate being ignored. There's nothing that hurts me more than when somebody I care about does not respond to me, even more if I know they're purposefully ignoring me.

Yet, here I am.
Fresh from an 11-month, international mission trip.
Fully-aware of God's power and love.
Provided for.
Accepted to seminary.

And ignoring the Most High King.
Tuning Him out.
Not wanting to pray, or praise, or read His Word, or go to church, or fellowship.

Feeling anxious.
Choosing to fret over NOTHING.
Choosing to put aside everything I just learned and deprive myself of the joy He gives me.

I became angry with myself, easily swayed by circumstances, feeling like everything is out of order and I just don't fit.

I am standing on the edge, and I have a choice to make.
Every second of the day, I have a choice.

Am I going to make decisions that I will regret? Am I going to continue in this childish behavior, in a sea of self-pity and lies and confusion? Am I going to wake up tomorrow and do this over again? Am I content with the choices I made today?

No.

Not just marking a new year, a new month, a new day, but tomorrow I will make the choice to stop this ridiculousness.

I have not peaked in my faith.
I have NOT done enough.
I have not lived every adventure I'm going to experience.
I have not had enough of God's presence.
I don't know His word enough.
I am not okay on my own.
I am not independent from the One who sustains me.
I am not angry at Him. How could I be?
I am not indifferent or apathetic.
I am not unwilling, or tired, or lazy.
I am not unable, or ill-equipped.
I am not forsaken or forgotten or punished.
I am not awkward in social situations.
I am not going to run out of money.
I am not lacking anything.
I did not make a mistake by going on the trip.
I did not make a mistake by trusting in people that I love, regardless of the outcome.
I am not blamed or a poor influence.
My words are not discouraging, they are God's words in people's times of need.
He has not given me visions, dreams, and this passion for nothing.
He has not chosen me for nothing.
I am not waiting for nothing.
I am waiting for God, who is FAITHFUL and WORTHY and GOOD.

His timing is GOOD. It's okay that I don't know certain things. I know enough, no more and no less than exactly what I need to know at this moment. And if only I listened, maybe I'd know even more.

Wow I'm sorry.

I know better.
Even those who usually are the discouraging, 'realistic' people have said that surely I'll be okay. That surely everything will line up. They have seen God's favor in my life so many times that they don't even doubt it.

It's a test of faith, and my Father loves me with a patient love.
I am incredibly blessed.
I am blessed when He gives and when He takes away.
But oh, how He gives.
There is more to be had, and I want it.




Tomorrow will be different.
It will be a fresh day.
It will be a day of seeking and listening and praising, with thanksgiving.


Oh, and it'll be 2013. Happy New Year. :)

Chosen, Wanted, ACCEPTED, Etc...

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

I WAS ACCEPTED TO SEMINARY!!! WOO HOO!!! MASTERS IN MARITAL AND FAMILY THERAPY!!! HURRAY!!!

So I'm moving to California!

I've been praying about this for 7 months.
I've been waiting for this acceptance for 3 months.
If you think I have enough exclamation points, you are wrong! I probably blew the admissions lady's ear drum. Looking back, "WOOOOOO!!!!!" is probably not the most professional response to "Congratulations, you are accepted!"
Don't care. Not sorry. I was so excited and still am.

I am one step closer to Phylla House and my door of hope :)

Lots has taken place since that happy phone call, many things that made me feel not so 'accepted' ironically. I didn't blog about any of it here. Just trust me that my heart did a belly flop in the pool of love, but it was worth it. I learned so much. God has very specific plans, and He is holding me by the hand, shutting every door I try to bust through and redirecting me toward all the things He has ALREADY told me to do, the beautiful things He has planned for me, the lovely gifts awaiting me.

He is jealous for me. He is protective of me. I'm valuable in His eyes! He refuses to let my foot step off the path. Not even one step. That's what I've been praying for... the right doors to open, the wrong ones to close. I shouldn't be surprised when they do close, nor should I be angry. I relate to Jonah all the time. I feel stubborn towards the Lord, as if I have any right! I thought about Jonah a lot today. I realized that God didn't give Jonah the vine and then take it away to make Jonah angry. God loved Jonah. He was protective over him. He had a specific task for him and chose him. It was an example of a bigger picture. 'I do what I want. I am God. I am in control.' I choose to look at my 'vine' the same way. It sprang up overnight and died overnight. I didn't make it happen. God's will brought it and took it away, to show me a bigger picture of God's compassion and sovereignty.
God doesn't have to explain to me why He did what He did in my life. But He did. Today He did. As I cried in my car, I envisioned Him holding me in His arms. He told me to read 2 Kings 4. So I read it and cried some more. He said 'keep pouring' and that I shouldn't feel like He got my hopes raised for no reason. There is a lesson. He is a God of abundance. He's about to provide yet again.

I'm pressing forward.

I was praying about Guatemala (from Feb-July 2013), and turns out that door closed. God has somewhere else where He must need me, as it is not in Guatemala. I am now praying about going on and moving to Cali already. But I need that thing, ya know, a job.

Pray I get a job!!!

Love yall and welcome back to this blog.
I'll be writing here only from now on!

Helena

James Flashback

Here's a blog I wrote back in October, and it somehow got missed... it's never too late :)

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Today I read the book of James.

I’ve read James a gazillion times (rounding down) and yet things still hit me that I feel like I’ve never noticed before. 

James is addressing the 12 tribes, the name of Jesus is only mentioned one time in verse 1, and it’s written to exhort believers. A lot of people love this book because they go “oh dang, yeah, I’m so busted, I feel so convicted” and that’s the exact point. It hits a lot of hot-topic struggles believers have. 

Starts off with a biggie “consider it PURE JOY when you face trials of many kinds”… whoa James, hang on, you didn’t even warm up, going straight to how I view and handle trials? 

Then going to “don’t doubt when you pray”? Shoot. How do you know me?

Then the reversal of values, how the world views money/status versus how God sees it… then not to blame God or anybody else but myself and my evil desires when I’m being tempted… 

Then my tendency to forget that GOD is the source of everything good and perfect, not somebody else or money or myself or a job or the world. 

Gosh I’m not even through the first chapter and I had to take a minute. 

Plunging back into ‘be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to become angry’… busted busted… okay I don’t get angry that fast… unless it’s month 10 on the race and I’m hungry, sweaty, and exhausted, then maybe I’m easily irritable. Ugh. 

Being a doer of the word, not merely hearing it.

Favoritism.

Truly loving my neighbor.

Letting my actions reflect my faith.

Taming my tongue.

True wisdom.

Wrong motives in prayer.

The choice between God and the world.

Submission and humility to God.

Bragging.

Hoarding of wealth.

Patience in suffering.

Being a person who keeps my word.

Praying effectively and powerfully.

Reconciliation and confrontation of believers who have strayed.

GOOD LORD, that’s a lot to take in from 5 short chapters. I thought about what I could do differently when I get home. 
But then it hit me that I don’t have to wait til I’m home to start. 
We don't have to wait to apply what God teaches us.
There's no better time than now.
_________________________________________________________________



Thank you guys for always reading my blogs :) 
More to come very soon!!!

Tentative Christmas Wish List

Christmas is just around the corner...well it's around the corner, and then you have to walk about a mile, to the left... but who cares about specifics, right? Christmas is coming.

I thought it'd be fun to write my tentative wish list!

Before I get started, I want to emphasize that 1) my love language is physical touch, not gifts, so I'd much rather have a hug and a visit than stuff. 2) I can fit all my belongings in my car (and I'm glad) so don't judge me!

Ahem.

1) E-reader, preferably a Nook (and my mom is giving me hers that she never uses, so CHECK!)
2) A straightener to tame the mane (mine died in April, sad sad day!).
3) A gun. It's just weird not to own something I can shoot with... I sold my shotgun before the trip.
4) Mascara.
5) A new case for my phone, because the one I have now is torn to shreds because I fiddle with it too much.
6) Car insurance ahahaha.
7) Unlimited Starbucks would be nice... but heaven will have fountains of salted caramel frappuccino.
8) A job would be awesome. A fax from Jesus with my 2-year plan would be even more awesome!
9) Acceptance letter from grad school would be supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
10) An external hard drive.
11) A cat? No... I can't have a cat. But pray that I can have a cat soon.

Okay that's all I have :) Making this list was probably more for my benefit, but I guess it's alright once in a while to blog like this, eh? Gives you a glimpse into my brain.

Thanks for stopping by and you stay classy! 

God is CHATTY in the mornings!

One thing I learned on this trip is how to hear God.

Yeah, it sounds weird, but wouldn’t it be even weirder if a God who claims to be alive never spoke?

It’s not like the cat has His tongue.

We just don’t listen very well. God is always telling us to be still and to listen, and that when we call on Him, He reveals things to us. It says in the Bible that the Holy Spirit is here to teach us new things, things that Jesus didn’t teach us because we couldn’t bear it at the time. If this is surprising to you, take a hint to read more about the Holy Spirit in the Bible!!! He’s God, just as much God as the Father and the Son! 

I wish I had read more about the Holy Spirit before this trip, but He’s kind of taboo, because He’s a little bit weeeeeird! Weird in a holy holy holy way, but weird nonetheless.

I was sitting on the roof at 5:55 am, waiting on the sunrise in India. I didn’t set an alarm at all, but simply prayed that God would wake me up in time to see the sun come up. Faithfully, He answered that prayer. I went up the 3 flights of stairs to the very top, and sat down on a chair. The air felt humid yet cool, and the sky was already lit up. No sun in sight. It wasn’t until 6:18 that I saw the actual sun… the haze here is pretty bad. All this time I was singing and praying, asking the Lord to speak to me. And speak He did.

I asked Him about California, and asked for Him to shed some light on that for me.

He said that He wants me in California because it is a dark place. He is sending soldiers there. He has a lot of movement going on, lots of miracles, lots of stirring of the Holy Spirit there, but He wants more. He wants more people to be saved from California. He told me it is valuable to Him, and He compared it to Nineveh’s value in the book of Jonah. He told me that there are many women there that need the hope of the gospel because they have a false gospel and they desperately need the truth. He stressed their money and their influence. He wants healings and adoptions to take place in California, and for there to be seeds planted for adoption.

The fun part is that I still don’t have my acceptance to seminary. Waiting is rough.

I asked Him about going to Guatemala sometime from January til August, before classes would potentially start.

He said that wherever I am, I am His daughter, and I shine. He said that I have a choice, and that I have the freedom to make that choice. He gave me peace about it either way, and He gave me two dates: February 1^st and May 1^st. I don’t know what those mean yet, but I think those are both dates when I will go to Guatemala. Big choice to make here, and I’ll be praying more about it! 

I asked Him about my heart department, of course, and He’s given me a lot of peace. I felt Him smiling at me and just nodding His head and telling me to trust Him. It was kind of funny. I laughed about that. I do trust Him. He has really really good plans :] 

Then He told me things I didn’t even ask to hear, but He is a good Father and He knew that I needed to be reminded.

He told me that He has wired me for women’s ministry. He said that women trust me and that I am a good listener. He said He trusts me! He said that I will teach and help people to understand how to deal with wounds. He said my ministry is healing and community. He wants me to enable ‘broken vessels’ to serve, especially serve in orphan ministry. He said many children will be adopted. He said He will guide me and to stay filled with the Holy Spirit. He reminded me that I am free, and that I obey because I trust Him. He said He is so proud of me, and that He loves me so much.

In conclusion, God is quite chatty in the morning.

He is perfect. His words are perfect. Don’t be afraid to listen, and don’t be surprised when you hear. 

Please keep all these things in your prayers, and that the Lord’s perfect will is accomplished in me. Pray for me against anxiety, fear, worry, doubt, and impatience. Pray for peace, joy, confidence, courage, and most of all, love.

Five Weeks Personal Update

I'm about to start the final month of my trip, today marking 5 weeks on the countdown.
It hasn't been easy! One week ago, I started keeping track of everything that happened day-by-day, as a means to stay focused.

So far so good!

I'm currently in Kathmandu, Nepal, unwinding before the upcoming travel days to India. As soon as I arrived in Kathmandu, I received news that my Godmother had passed away in Brazil. She was my great-aunt and a beautiful, kindhearted woman. She loved God and she always made me feel loved. I kept the news to myself and to a few close friends at first, but I just wanted to bring it up here in this forum so you could be praying for my family and I as we press onward. I'll see her in heaven, til then, I hold on to the last hug.

Please pray for me, my squad, safety in travels, my transition, my heart, my waiting for acceptance to seminary, and for clarity in God's opportunities for me from January-August. There may be an opportunity for me to serve in Guatemala, so I'm prayerfully considering it.

The Holy Spirit is speaking, leading, teaching, and counseling me. I am so loved by the Father! I'm chosen and confident, laughing at the days to come :)

No Comment

Hey you!
Thank you for keeping my personal blog alive by being a reader. Believe it or not, even though I don't post much, there are lots of hits on this blog!

You'd think there would be feedback, but there isn't. I reason that when most people read a blog, they're getting something out of it with no intention of giving anything back to the writer. That's totally okay. I often do this when I read. I've never written any of my favorite authors a letter thanking them for the time they put into writing, editing, and publishing. I simply purchase their book, read it, enjoy it, and then it ends there.

Thankfully for me, since I write whatever for free and for fun, I have my buddy Google to give me the analytical data about YOU! Yes you! It's 2012, and I can track you! Surprise! Check out my viewers' map for the last month:

Thanks to Google, I know you care! I am encouraged enough that 508 of you took the time to read my blog last month :) thank you! Whether you ever mention to me that you read my blogs or comment, I still know I have my readers.

I'm preaching tomorrow about prayer, and as I was reading the Word of God, I thought "If I like comments, Jesus must really love comments." Inerrant, applicable, truthful, living words, but how often do I just flip through as if I'm looking up a word in the dictionary... it sounds cheesy, but I wanted to thank God for His word and that I am privileged to have it available to me all the time. He loves me the same, regardless of my number of views.
In the same way that it delights me to look at this pretty green map, it delights Him to see that His children are seeking Him out and wanting to learn more about Him.

Unlike me, the Author is listening in as you read His word. He wants to explain it in a way you will understand. He wants to interact with you as you read. Don't just read as if they're words on a page, because you'll miss out on the most amazing live commentary with the Most High King.

I've been going through the Bible chronologically, and I'm currently in the 4 gospels. It's great to read them all together, but I do have a confession: I am dreading what's about to happen. Do you ever find yourself picking out a movie and think "oooh Passion of the Christ! Yes!"?? Yeah... me either. I know what happened on the cross is awesome news for me, but those are my sins He's suffering for. My heart grieves to know that my Savior suffered for my sake, for our sake. I love Him so much for what He did for me, for paying my debt, for rescuing me from death, for guaranteeing my eternity and my righteousness. But I can't help my tears, and the feeling of helplessness as I prepare to experience the powerful telling of my Savior's brutal sacrifice.

As I inch closer and closer to reading about the crucifixion, I have to rely on Him, the Living Christ, to remind me over and over that it's okay. That He endured it because He loves me. That I'm not resented or blamed, but accepted and free. That the beatings and the mocking and the rejection and the punishment were all worth it. Worth it for us. Worth it for me.

I have no words for that kind of love, no comment.
Though I can't understand it, I humbly receive it.

HOP ON THE CAMEL

Today was a monumental day in my life.

I enjoy the word monumental because I think of a monument being built in honor of this day, which would be fitting. If these were Old Testament days, I'd assemble a pile of rocks and name it something like "THE LORD ROCKS" or "ON THE ROCK I STAND" or I could go on and on, but you get the point.

Why? Well, let's just say September 12th was a horrible day for me for the last 3 years.
That's the understatement of the century. It still makes me want to vom just thinking about it. But the Almighty God redeemed September 12th.

I haven't felt this much excitement and joy in a long time. Of all days, the Lord chose September 12th, because He is intentional and sarcastic and hilarious.

What did I do today?

I applied to seminary!

Essays are written, reference forms are on their way, and my official transcript has been ordered. I've cried over just about every part of it, because I was so happy.
My Father is so stoked for me. He is borderline giddy up in the skies, because I have finally begun to grasp what it means to delight in Him.

I used to get excited about finding a size 2-short pair of AE jeans on sale, or frozen yogurt, or a cutesy text message, or the right song coming on the radio... which are all awesome things, yeah? Well for me they are :)  Believe it or not, I am more excited about what God is doing than all those little fun things that fire me up.  

Sometimes, just to be silly, I ask my friends what the 'front page news' in their lives would be. Today, my front page news is redemption. 

You might be wondering why the title of my site and of my blog is "HOP ON THE CAMEL" and I'm ready to explain it. In Genesis 24, Abraham made his chief servant swear to him an oath (there was thigh-touching involved, which was normal back then, but only when you meant business): to go to Abraham's home town and get a wife for Isaac. Epic matchmaking in the works. So the servant gets 10 camels (ohhh) and loads them up with all sorts of swag. He gets there and starts praying for the Lord to send the right girl, and that she'd let him have some water and offer water for his camels. (Hollywood, why hasn't there been a movie about this? Water for Camels! Duh!) Before he's even done praying, obviously praying with his eyes opened, out comes Rebekah, with her big jar. Sure enough, she lets him have water, and offers some for the camels. This girl is willing and athletic, lifting heavy jars and running to and from the well. The servant figured out that she was indeed part of the family (opposite reaction back then, it meant green lights) and gave her jewelry. Rebekah takes the servant into the house and he retells the entirety of the story. They all agree this is from the Lord, but the family tried to prolong Rebekah's leaving (gee I wonder why). So the servant said "oh no no no, don't detain me!" and the family put Rebekah on the spot. They asked her "will you go with this man?"
Rebekah said "I will go." Her family prayed over her, then she hopped on a camel and left with the servant. God chose Rebekah to be the wife of Isaac and the mother of Jacob and Esau. Jacob would be renamed Israel, and his 12 sons were the 12 tribes. Epic!

She left everything she knew. 
She trusted God. 
She made a bold move, a brave step. 
Little did she know the impact of her obedience.
That's what "hop on the camel" means to me. 
When the Lord calls, that I am willing to bravely and boldly obey.


I hopped on a camel today, and I know God will be faithful. 

Please be in prayer for me as I'm still doing full-time ministry in Tanzania. Pray for health and safety! And also pray that I am able to trust and not fret while I wait on the Lord. 

The Spotless Bride

I'm in Tanzania. 

It's after midnight and we start ministry tomorrow. I'm typing as quietly as I can, which is a pain because my poor keyboard has endured various spills, including the great red wine incident of 2011, nearly ruining the a, s, z, left ctrl, and left shift keys. 

Our bus rides here were relatively safe. The first was awesome...

 

 

             Travel buddy: my favorite Chinese-Canadian, Miss Peggy Cheng.

 

But oh that second bus was horrible. I had a lady's butt on me for 6 hours. 

                     Travel buddy: total stranger, Miss New Booty. I found you!

Note to self, dive for the window seat, avoid aisle at all costs. Apparently pinterest does not have an easy, fun, creative way to disinfect one's shoulder. Somebody needs to pin that, stat. I'm sticking with bar soap and desperate prayers.

But here's what the blog's all about :)

Today I stood in one of the coolest churches I've ever been to. 

Mind you, I've been to the "Baptidome" Prestonwood, and I've been to super hipster churches in Denver, Austin, DFW, etc... but something was different about this Tanzanian church.

It had walls and a roof. The inside was painted a weathered Tiffany's blue. 

As for doors, it had none. Windows were just big holes on the wall, through which the children outside played peek-a-boo with me, popping up and down with their beautiful smiles and heavenly giggles. There were no pews or chairs, but merely sand on the ground. The stage was small, just a raised cement step at the front. There were no paintings, no banners, no decorations, yet it was beautiful. The only attention-catcher was the thick presence of the Holy Spirit, blowing through the room. There was no sound system, for it is not needed here. People just listen. There was no lights show, for it is not needed here. People just come to church because they realize they need God. It's not about the building at all.

It was humbling to be reminded of this.

Behold, the spotless bride of Christ:

Upendo sana (much love),

Helena

Kenya feel the love tonight

Jambo, yall!

Yeah, I've managed another ridiculous title with "kenya" in it. I love Kenya.
Right now it's raining hard, and I've managed to score 175 in Entanglement (not my highest score, but it's decent). I'm sleeping indoors tonight, in the top bunk. I already miss my tent, but it's warmer indoors, and my throat needs to heal. Please say a little prayer that I don't fall off this bed.

It's chilly here at night, and, although I've had no health issues here thus far, I woke up this morning with no voice whatsoever. I sounded like the wind when I talked haha and the funny part is that I had been asked to sing during worship, and I had to preach. So I ended up just mouthing the words on stage, without a microphone, and being a "motivator" since I popcorn around during worship like a weirdo... apparently this is cool in world race culture hahaha. Then I managed to preach with a microphone, booming my screechy hoarse voice through the church.

I preached this morning on forgiveness. God really put it on my heart to talk about it to these kids, because they used to live in the streets, and surely they've had their share of "they done me wrong" rooted in their hearts. I talked about how when someone sins against you, they plant a seed in your heart. Sometimes it's bad enough that they plant a whole tree in our hearts. But we have to ask God to help us take it out, because who can uproot a tree by themselves, right? :) We talked a bunch about forgiveness, and in the end they prayed the Lord's Prayer in Swahili. I told them to listen to the words they were saying, and how important it is to forgive since God forgives us as we forgive others.

My favorite things this month... sunsets, big hugs, teary smiles, avocados, tent movies, my ever-growing trust in God and His perfect provision. Oh and what He's doing in my heart!

It's month 8... it still delights me to think back to this exact time last year... I had no idea I was coming on the race! I got accepted on September 1st, so up until then I still wasn't sure. You can look back, if you wanna creep, and look at my blogs from last year. I blogged a lot. Some are funny, some are serious, duh.

The sunsets in Kenya are incredible. And hate to break it to ya, Texas, but the stars at night are big and bright in Kenya haha. The stars here are incredible. I haven't seen a shooting star yet, but I have not yet ventured with a blanket to watch the stars (who am I?! That's usually the first thing I do!) By 7:30 pm I'm tired!

I love teaching Bible, I love drawing randomness on the board with chalk. I taught on Jesus calming the storm, and I drew out the boat and the disciples on the boat with sad faces and Jesus snoring, and the waves. It was ridiculous, but the kids were laughing. I went up to a kid and shook up his chair, asked him if he thought he could sleep through a storm :) mornings are fun, full of laughter and doodling.

Afternoons, however, are full of tears. Counseling. So much pain and bottled up emotions in these kids. It blesses me that they trust me and the other mzungus with their stories and struggles, and that they let us pray for them. My counseling kids are the ones who seek me out and give me the biggest smiles and hugs throughout the week. I'm the one learning.

Our food is mostly amazing. I'm not a fan of ugali, don't think I'm ever gonna like it. It's worse than eating play doh. I like the greens and the beans and rice. I love all that stuff. But when that giant bowl of glob comes out, a little tiny part of me wilts.
My team does dinner on our own. One of my amazing teammates cooks us dinner, and she does an amazing job. Once a week, on Saturdays, we venture out into town and grocery shop. We have to catch public transportation, endure the super sad street kids asking us for bread (heartbreaking), and the creepy men grabbing at our arms (I go on mama bear mode, telling them not to touch my girls!). We hunt for good veggies and buy lots of avocados. Avocados get the prize for my favorite food this month. Yesterday, I carried a huge bag of groceries on my head, like a legit African woman. I couldn't balance it, but I helped with my arms. It felt awesome.

God is teaching me to let go. He's teaching me that I don't have to consider every option. He knows what's good for me and He's gonna put it right in front of me. I like to be reasonable and controlling. For example: grad school. Picking out a seminary has been rough on me. There are several with my major. If I tried to look them all up with Kenyan internet, I would go nuts. I would seriously go banana sandwich, and my team would feedback me about it all month. God has made it clear to me that I don't need to lose my marbles researching every school catalog and every application requirement. I have so much peace about this decision already :)

God is teaching me how to draw thick lines. God is changing my patterns and my personality. He's changing my habits, my food preferences, my quirks, my annoyances, and my favorite things. Even the people I once thought were "attractive" or "my type" are so not attractive anymore haha. God is showing me what is good in His eyes, and I'm amazed by the goodness of the Lord. He's pushing me to be stubborn about the right things, and let go of the others. It's scary. I fear I will disappoint a lot of people when I get home, because I'm no longer the person that left. My comfort is that God is pleased with this new me, and that person is a little tiny bit more like Jesus than the old me.

I figured out, after much soul-searching, that I wanted to do something grand and good, because I felt so bad about the downward turns my life had taken. God taught me that I don't have to earn anything. That I'm simply forgiven, and that my healing is slow, steady, and certain. To live constantly surrendered and dependent on God is now the goal. It's not a scale system, where my good has to outweigh the bad. The debt is paid. I'm free. :) Big stuff. Some is cliche, but you'd be surprised at the elementary stuff that's hard to sink in.

Okay, it's 9:20 pm in Kitale, Kenya, and I'm super sleepy.

"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy..." Philippians 1:3-4

Upendo,
Helena

The Great Big Old Testament Blog

I started my “reading through the Bible chronologically” journey before I even realized I was doing it.

I had read Genesis, Job, and then I felt led to read Acts.

After Acts, I asked God “now what?”

And I found myself trying to pick “one part” of the Bible to focus on.

Nothing stood out.

New Testament is smooth. I made a list of all the books I’d read “recently” as in the last 2 or so months.

Genesis, Job, Acts, Romans, Ephesians, 1 & 2 Peter, Philippians, Galatians, Colossians, James, Ruth.

Lord, where to?

I started looking into “Read the Bible in a year” plans, and there were a whole bunch of them. They would have me hip hoppin’, hop-scotchin’ around, little bit of this, a little bit of that, some old, some new testament. I got dizzy just looking at the reading plans and charts. I like multi-tasking, but this was too cray cray.

Daddy, this is overwhelming!

So, I decided to read the Bible the same way I approach my favorite tv shows.

I watch the pilot episode, and watch every single episode in order, marathon style, that way I don’t miss a beat.

So on January 27^th, I plunged into Exodus (remember I’d just read Genesis and Job).

God started revealing to me things that applied to my current struggles.

((this is a good time to grab your Bible, because I'm about to drop some references, son! Or daughter!))

In El Salvador, I was hesitant about always translating sermons, not to mention preaching in Spanish.

God, this is your message! What if I mess it up? What if I don’t know the words and they don’t understand?

“Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.” Ex 4:12

In Honduras, I read Leviticus.

God showed me how sin is costly and gross. Right when I was struggling with obedience, God put me in a book that’s full of reminders of the rewards of obedience.

Still in Honduras, I read Numbers.

In Numbers, I learned that God doesn’t like it when I complain. God doesn’t like it when I question His plan for me, or long for my alternative plans, which were obviously not as good!

I also learned that when God says “go,” He doesn’t want me to hesitate. He doesn’t want me to chicken out.  He taught me through the “hesitation generation” in the desert. His warriors listen to His voice and boldly follow His commands.

In Nicaragua, I read Deuteronomy.

God began my broken season by showing me I’m still in this desert, being humbled. He is definitely purifying me. He is definitely refining me. God wants to make my joy complete. He makes promises because He keeps promises. He is a GREAT and AWESOME God, and He is among us.

I am a treasured possession of God, and I am to rejoice in all the good things the Lord, my God, has given me.  He has set before me blessings for obedience and curses for disobedience.

God is restoring me. He’s restoring my fortunes. Not my monetary fortunes, but my status as a chosen daughter of God. My treasures. All that I had lost while I was disobedient. God is still healing me.

Still in Nicaragua, I read Joshua.

Ya know what I learned in Joshua? That God is so boss. “Not one of all the Lord’s good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.” 21:45 Victory is mine if God is with me.

Still in Nicaragua, I read Judges, Ruth, and started 1 Samuel.

In Judges, I learned that riddles are usually a bad idea. I had a blast in Judges. It is so random and violent, like a Quentin Tarantino movie, except there were no f bombs.

In Ruth, I learned that faithfulness is rewarded. God uses each one of us to answer prayers, and that I can be God’s provision to another person. I also got a picture of what my ministry will look like after the Race (but that wasn’t until I got to Cambodia… long story!).

In 1 Samuel, I learned that it’s okay for me to be a crazy coconut, because David was. God sets up unlikely scenarios for His glory, and to train me to trust Him.

In Thailand, I finished 1 Samuel, and began the ‘a little bit of this, a little bit of that’ chronological scramble between Psalms, 1 Chronicles, and 2 Samuel.

In 2 Samuel, I learned that sometimes you do shoot the messenger. I learned that it’s where the phrase “how the mighty have fallen!” comes from! David wins a lot, duh, and he had a mess load of wives. In the scramble with Psalms and 1 Chronicles, I learned that God delights in bravery. He grants success. Mocking can have very serious consequences. 2 Samuel 10:4 is one of the funniest forms of punishment I’ve ever read about. I learned that only God can give me an undivided heart, a brand new heart. Hoping in God is the most certain thing I can do, because He never fails.

I learned that sometimes there are hurdles in the way of a certain promise. God takes those hurdles out Himself, and He teaches me patience and trust in the process.

I plugged myself into scripture at times, because it felt right. Here’s 2 Chronicles 1:1.

“Helena, daughter of the LORD, established herself firmly in her journey, for the LORD her God was with her and made her exceedingly great.”

The best way to start anything is by asking God for wisdom, and my heart’s desire for wisdom pleases God.  I had my first crush on a Biblical character, Solomon. Then I found out he had a jillion wives. Typical.

I struggled the most in Thailand. I loved the place, the food, the smoothies, the cat shirts, and the freedom to roam about. I was inwardly struggling with my past and confronting my biggest fears of insufficiency. I ended up going wedding dress shopping with my dear friend Becki, and she purchased a beautiful gown. My emotions warred within me, from ultimate happiness for my friend, to grief from my past, to fear for my future. I got home that night and located the nearest “alone” place to cry. That night, my friend Caitlin went for a walk with me and we sat on a curb by 7-11, as I cried and verbally processed my fears. It was the biggest, most tangible breakthrough I’d had in months. The powerful Word of God was leading me through this process.

In Cambodia, I plunged into Song of Songs, Proverbs, 2 Chronicles, 1 Kings, Ecclesiastes, Obadiah, Jonah, 2 Kings, Isaiah, Amos, Micah, and Hosea (yes, I read a lot that month).

Here are some Proverbs nuggets I picked up this time around:

Wisdom was with God before He made the world. Wisdom makes me patient. God says He’s the only one who really knows what’s going on, and without Him we’re all lost. God hates drama. He’s given our tongues the power of life and death (prov 18:21). Humility comes before honor.

In 1 Kings, I learned about my heart and God’s faithfulness. Only God can turn my heart to Him, and enable me to walk in His ways. It’s not my effort, it’s my surrender. My heart must be fully committed/surrendered to the Lord.

Ecclesiastes- What is worthwhile to do? Only God can give wisdom, knowledge, and happiness. Pleasures, accomplishments, and work are not lasting investments. Sometimes I just can’t understand everything, and that’s okay. Enjoy every moment of life as the blessing it is.

Reading about the kings and the prophets really wrecked me. Toss out the window everything I thought I knew about God. He speaks audibly, He passes through, He shows off, He makes the prophets do the craziest things. It’s different than the Sunday school lessons I’d heard. I never heard of Isaiah going nude for 3 years. That would have made a fantastic Sunday school lesson. I didn’t know about Elisha being “jeered by youths” for his baldness, and then 2 bears coming out and mauling 42 youths. Again, hello, that would have made a fun coloring page. Sometimes the Bible is as gory as the movie 300, for example 2 Chronicles 25:12. These aren’t things we talk about much. The Bible isn’t rated G for everyone. Sometimes it’s very disturbing and really bloody. Some things have gone way over my head, but what I learned is that God is real, tangible, and faithful. The forgiveness and reclaiming of the remnant was an epic move on God’s part. These people were so unfaithful, yet God was always faithful. We are so unfaithful, yet God is always faithful. He said “with joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation” (Isaiah 12:3) and He was right. He's always right.

In Cambodia, Daddy taught me that I’m innocent. It was exactly what I needed to hear after turbulent Thailand. The day for building my walls will come, because my Daddy delights to show mercy. It’s a humble, exciting place to be when I can say “all that I have accomplished You have done for me” :] giving the glory to the Lord for every victory.

I learned that sometimes when people didn’t worship the Lord, He sent lions.  I’m always on my toes haha.

I literally cheered whenever one of the kings was faithful to the Lord. It was rare.

The Bible is stock-full of disgusting moments, such as Isaiah 30:22, 34:3, 34:6, 36:12, 49:26. 
Oh and we can’t forget the epic angel of the Lord taking out 185,000 Assyrians in Isaiah 37:36.

I learned more about who I am, and how beloved I am. I am sought after and the Lord delights in me. I’ve been chosen, called, and honored.

In Malaysia, I finished Isaiah, 2 Kings, and 2 Chronicles, read Nahum, Zephaniah, Jeremiah (rocked my world), Habbakkuk, Lamentations, and started Ezekiel.

My Nahum notes were interesting and short… here they are: “God is good, slow to anger, caring to those who trust in Him, but dang… He’ll rip you a new one, any day. He doesn’t mess around.”

The Lord has a sense of humor, and I love it so much. For example: “I am against you,” declares the Lord Almighty. “I will lift your skirts over your face. I will show the nations your nakedness and the kingdoms your shame. I will pelt you with filth, I will treat you with contempt and make you a spectacle.” Nahum 3:5-6… did the Lord just say that? He’s gonna expose them? And pelt them with poop? Nice.

Zephaniah was short and sweet, just learned that there’s a happy ending for the remnant. Felt nice to read that after all the punishment reading.

Jeremiah rocked my world. My notes were crazy, full of doodles. If you ever want to have hours of conversation with me, we can talk about Jeremiah. It was during this read of Jeremiah that God confirmed a lot of my calling. For now, here’s this:

But if I say, “I will not mention him or speak anymore in his name,” his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.- Jer 20:9

The Lord has given me singleness of heart and action.

Habbakkuk – praising God for the things that are yet to come, because He is faithful and will do them.

Lamentations is well-titled and self-explanatory.

Ezekiel was epic and intimidating. I would rate Ezekiel as #2 on my “most intimidating Bible books to tackle” right under Revelation. It wasn’t so bad going in order! God did some really crazy stuff through Ezekiel. He’d just be sitting there, hanging out with some old folks, and then out of nowhere comes the hand of the Lord, and grabs him, takes him places, shows him crazy creatures, no big deal. God taught me a huge lesson: He can do whatever He wants to. It doesn’t have to be fair. I don’t have to understand it. God told Ezekiel that He was taking away his wife, the object of his affection. Then God told Ezekiel not to shed any tears. Ezekiel lost his wife, and didn’t shed any tears. I had to do a heart check. How would I feel about God if He said “Hey Helena, I’m gonna take away your husband and don’t cry!” Uh oh. I had to really think things through and plug myself into that scenario. After much soul-searching, I wouldn’t be angry with the Lord, but I don’t think I could get by without crying my face off. 

Malaysia was a rough month for me. Best way to put it is to say that my fruits of the Spirit were tested. On the flipside, God gave me a new spiritual gift that month! Hurray for becoming even weirder haha.

Now in Rwanda, I finished Ezekiel, read Joel, Daniel, Ezra, Haggai, Zechariah, Esther, Nehemiah, and last but not least, Malachi.

My notes were full of doodles and as I wrapped up Ezekiel (so much to doodle, so many funny goats!). God’s been pouring out blessing on top of blessing over me. I’ve fallen in love with Africa. My love language is physical touch, so you can only imagine what a happy camper I am, getting 40+ hugs from these sweet children every single day.

The last books… I’m still processing. God took an orphan and turned her into a queen. He took a widow and turned her into a mother. He took a cupbearer and turned him into a governor. He took a slave and turned him into a powerful official. God is the Redeemer and Restorer and Rebuilder and Replanter. He turns hopelessness into glory. I learned so much in these 24 weeks. I highly encourage anybody who has never read the Old Testament chronologically to do it! Take careful notes and watch how God will carefully lead you to a better understanding of who He is and who you are in Him.

Onward to the New Testament, whoop whoop!

If you read all of this, you get a virtual high-five. Just hold out your hand and then I guess just put it back down. Proud of you. 

Eskimo kisses,

Helena