Want vs. Need

You can't always get what you want!!
So it's midnight and I'm somewhat sleepy... decided to write some since I have a lot on my mind and I'd surely have crazy dreams if I didn't attempt to empty it.

I'm currently in a state of frustration. I'm really happy, yes, quite happy. I have no tangible reason to not be smiling, so I am! However, there's this nagging feeling in the back of my mind. Things have been so incredibly UN-SMOOTH... if that's a word. As soon as I start to think I'm getting it all figured out, I get blindsided.
The punchline is that I have no clue what is going on in certain aspects of my life, and I'm just going to have to stop trying to understand it. Apparently, what I want and what I need are not the same. God is in control. Right now, He's blessing me with accountability. My current state of confusion is not my fault.
I'm the woman. I'm the girl, I'm supposed to sit pretty and be patient. So, I'm going to get busy. But I REFUSE to turn into one of you hopeless zombies, that tear apart hearts. I refuse to lose my confidence in my self-worth. I know what I deserve, and it's unfortunate I'm not getting it. I refuse to settle for a painful relationship. I've been told that the kind of guy I'm waiting for isn't out there. Sometimes it's easy to believe that, since oh for 24 years I have yet to encounter that kind of relationship. I've seen people that I deeply admire, but none have had the initiative to pursue me.
My list stays folded, in my Bible. I read and re-read it often. Sometimes I lack the faith to believe it'll come through... but then again... nothing is impossible with God. If I'm out there, then he must be as well.

he won't have the heart to lie to me. --- verbatim.